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Open Mic

February 4, 2010

It’s time for another installment of Open Mic!

It took me until this morning, but I finally got to comment all of your entries for last week. I have to say that I continue to be unbelievably impressed! Plus, it’s just really awesome to see such diverse work from so many different spots on the globe.

No special Guest Commentator this week, though I have more lined up in the weeks to come. This time, it’s just me, myself, and I. And most importantly, YOU! 😀

Fine print; 300 words or less, comment at least one other post if you post your work, I’ll comment every piece posted through Sunday night.

Oh, and HAVE FUN! Mwah!

ETA: I’m behind getting started on these, but I’ll catch up over the weekend, I promise! ❤

72 Comments leave one →
  1. Ayla permalink
    February 10, 2010 9:26 am

    I commented on all the ones that didn’t have comments 😀

  2. Shannon Hamling permalink
    February 7, 2010 9:54 pm

    LATE POST!! I’m so very sorry! This is another piece from my WIP which I have decided to entitle “Shattered” for it is much more appealing than “work in progress” =]. It’s not sequential to my other post from this story, sorry. I would also like to clarify some key things. The main character’s name is Anya-Marie and she does eventually become a Vampire-Werewolf hybrid but not in this post. Cameron is her best friend and is a vampire but she doesn’t know this. okay I really just had to explain. Everything is kind of nonsensical when it’s out of order. =]

    “What do you dream about?” Cameron asked as I laid down beside him.
    “I don’t.” I sighed.
    “Why do you think that is?’ He continued intently. I’d thought about it many times before. My lack of unconscious imagination was a subject of concern at times.
    “I don’t dream because reality is persistent.” I answered simply.
    “What do you mean?’ Cameron inquired.
    “It’s almost as if there’s an umbilical cord that anchors me to reality. It attaches at the navel but I can feel the pull in the tips of my fingers and the lengths of my feet. Reality, like a mother, threatens to birth us, to expose us to the full force of her power.” I breathe heavily letting my head sink into the depths of the pillow.
    “Some would say that it’s God’s doing.” He points out.
    “You don’t Believe in God.”
    “Not a single God, no. However, I would expect that an entity with so much love and compassion could simple cast its creations to the side and let them fall subject to torment.” I explained.
    “Some would argue.” he shrugged.
    “Have you ever made anything in school; painted a picture or built a house out of popsicle sticks?” I asked sitting up.
    “Yeah, sure.”
    “Have you ever let any force of nature or man damage what you’ve created no matter how impartial or dissappointed in it you were?”
    “My point.” I said laying down again. Cameron kissed me on the forehead.
    “Dream” He whispered.

    • Ayla permalink
      February 10, 2010 9:25 am

      Omigosh! This is really good! I will DEFINATELY read more next open mic!!!

  3. stargazer permalink
    February 6, 2010 5:28 pm

    First post….kinda nervous….but think I may need critiquing and comments…Thanks!!!!

    I Found My Love
    You are always there for me,
    In the good and bad,

    You always show your love for me,
    In so many ways I can’t count,
    You pull me out of the dark when I’m deep inside it,
    You cheer me up when I’m sad
    Or feel like there’s nothing worth living for,

    There are so manys things you do for me,
    I know that I found my love
    And I don’t want you to leave me,

    If you do
    A piece of my heart will go with you,
    Being in this world is empty,
    Only with you it’s full,
    It has meaning

    I love you as much as I can breathe
    And I can’t stand it any longer being far from you,

    I need you here forever
    And I must know that you’re all mine.

    This is where our hearts join together and can’t be broken.

    Every second you’re not around I am dead but when I hear your voice,
    Feel your touch,
    I’m in heaven.

    I know that I found my love in you,
    And I want it to stay like that.

    • Ayla permalink
      February 10, 2010 9:23 am

      First off… Welcome to open mic!

      This… Is PERFECT!!!

      Thats the one thing about poems… They don’t need constructive advice!

      Come back next open mic cause that is REALLY good!


  4. Bantiarna permalink
    February 5, 2010 9:14 am

    This piece starts where the one from last week ended. The main person just found out that her blindness is no dream but real, now she wants to know some things. I’m happy about any feedback especially about contructive one. Sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes, I’m no native speaker.

    “Where am I? What happened to me? And why on earth I’m not able to see anything?” I finally managed to ask in a croaking voice.
    It was a deep bass voice, soft and comforting, that answered me: “We have no idea. Well we have some ideas but none that could help you.”
    What in the name of Morrigan was that for an answer! So I’m with some idiots that didn’t knew anything or at least nothing they wanted to tell me. Wait…did I say “in the name of Morrigan”? Who or what was Morrigan? Okay, that was something to cope with after I found out what was going on here. “Just that I understood you right. You don’t know where I am, what happened to me and you have no idea why I’m blind? Is that right?”, trying to sound calm it sounded even more hysterical.
    The voice that answered was like silk. It wasn’t like anything I’ve heard before. On the one hand it was sweet as a newborn fawn or the sound of violins on the other hand it was strong, something you could lean on, something trustworthy like the rhythm of a song, always there and always the same. “That isn’t exactly right. You are at a hospital, better said in a special clinic for cases like yours. You were found unconscious and dehydrated close to an ancient sanctuary. The doctor that was with the called ambulance decided to bring you here.”
    “Cases like mine?” I echoed.

    • Ayla permalink
      February 10, 2010 9:18 am

      I like the sense of confusion in this… It makes me want to read more!



  5. February 4, 2010 10:33 pm

    Slightly over the three hundred word count, but it’s something that I need help with. I want to know what you guys think of it, honestly. There’s a few french lines in there, so if you need help translating, let me know.

    ce n’était pas ton faut, je t’avais dit.

    you didn’t fall in love. you didn’t get rejected because of your age, which by the way? it’s perfect.

    you didn’t embarrass yourself in front everyone or been told that this thing? This thing was just a silly crush and was bound to go away soon, while your feelings for that other girl burned on, despite her indifference.

    j’étais tellement stupide, c’est vrai.

    i fell in love with the older boy, the co-worker in a sense, the metalhead. you. i got rejected at the start even though you admitted to liking me and thinking i was cute, because of my age. there’s less than three years between us, which is perfect because we have the same maturity level and the same circle of friends. why don’t you think so?

    i embarrassed myself in front of everyone in my art class, and there are now daily debates on when we’re going to have our first kiss or start dating or have sex. every single time we see you walk by our class, excitement ripples through my classmates as they ask me if i saw you and how good your hair/clothes/everythingaboutyou looked that day. they constantly reassure me that he doesn’t know what he’s missing, trying hard not to like a beautiful girl like me.

    i shrug it off.

    and this thing? it’s not a silly little crush, despite what you might think. this started out as a spark the first time i met you, half a year ago as you started working in the adjacent store. but now it’s a small inferno, eating away at the inside of my stomach and smoke is curling out of my nostrils when i breathe.

    peut être, peut être je dois vous dire quelque chose.

    so kiss me. pick me up in your arms and tell me that you’ll always be there for me. stroke my hair and let me fall asleep on your shoulder, or better yet, cuddled against you while we watch late night flicks on the telly. there’s nowhere i would rather be right now then here with you, and you know it.

    don’t give me that look, i mean it. now, before my heart shatters one last time, let’s give in to temptation.

    je t’aime. ♥

    • Bantiarna permalink
      February 5, 2010 7:01 am

      Somehow the french lines don’t sound right.
      “Ce n’était pas ton faut, je t’avais dit.” Hmm, the tenses are wrong I think but I have no idea what would be right. What do you want to say? It’s easierer to translate than to correct things.
      “J’étais tellement stupide, c’est vrai.” I guess you want to say “I was so stupid, that’s right”, don’t you? I would prefer “J’ai été tellement stupide, c’est vrai.”
      Instead of “peut être, peut être je dois vous dire quelque chose.” I would write “Peut être je vous devrait dire quelque chose” or if the character wants to tell it to the person she has fallen in love with (and she wouldn’t use “vous” when talking to him) “Peut être je te devrait dire quelque chose”

      Apart from that I really like how you write. The story is great too.

      • February 5, 2010 4:05 pm

        Haha, thanks. I’ve been in french since forever, but verbs always mess me up. I ‘spose living in Quebec for a while would have helped me with them, but I still have trouble conjugating. Thank you!

    • Shannon Hamling permalink
      February 7, 2010 10:02 pm

      I really like this! I know french so it was a bit easier for me. next time though I would have the translation accompany the lines to provide instant clarification. =]


  6. February 4, 2010 7:44 pm

    This is another poem that I wrote awhile ago. I need an opinion though! should i switch “dress” to “eyes”??? Hope you enjoy!

    That lady?
    Have you seen her?
    Her dress is the color of the sea.
    Her rich brown hair thick, like a bears fur.
    She sits on the moon
    strokin’ a harp of gold.
    Her fingers smoth and swift as over the strings they fold.
    Shes singing a song, playing a tune.
    Familar and yet foreigne.

    Have you seen her?
    That lady who rises as the sky sets?
    Shes not even as young as time,
    but truely old.
    Shes the one who made the rhyme.

    Have you seen that lady?
    The one with the broken smile?
    She plucks the most elegent song
    as she sheds perfect tears
    for the one love she lost long ago,
    Forever more.

    • February 4, 2010 9:16 pm

      I like “eyes” instead of “dress”.

      Never any idea how to comment on poems. I enjoyed this. I want to know who the lady is. Good job!

    • Bantiarna permalink
      February 5, 2010 6:34 pm

      I would prefer “eyes” too.
      Hmm the woman is a moon goddess with a broken heart… The first one I though of was Branwen, but Ceridwen would be possible too. Or none of them. What about telling me who the mysterious woman is?

      • February 6, 2010 11:36 am

        Thank you! I couldnt decide! And im honestly not sure who she is supposed to be. Some of what i write, like this one, is just something that pops into my head. It doesnt always have anything to do with anything. (I have no idea who Branwen or Ceridwen are. Im guessing mythology though?) I was just lookin out the window at the moon and stars and *pop* there it was. 🙂

    • February 6, 2010 1:03 pm

      Meagan- My favorite kind of writing is when I’m inspired without knowing it. I like when I go back to something I wrote and think, “Wow. I wrote that?!”

      😉 I also like not always having to know the answers. In my short stories, I tend to leave a lot of unanswered questions. I know it might frustrate people, but I like thinking the reader will come up with what they want to happen or think happened, etc.

      • February 6, 2010 8:56 pm

        Yeah, sometimes I like it when the author leaves a FEW loose ends because it lets me visulize better sometimes, and decide for myself this or that. But too many will drive me insane, haha 🙂

  7. February 4, 2010 7:11 pm

    This is from one of my side projects, which I’ve already posted a snippet from before. Anyway, this is a conversation between a dead boy and a dying girl.

    The sight of tears glistening in her eyes made him wish he could cry too. “I don’t know how I died.” He had meant to apologise, let him know she had his sympathies, but what good would the sympathies of the dead do for the dying? “It must have been sudden, I mustn’t have seen it coming…” Gregory’s memories included a dinner with his family, him wanting to go and see Lillian… but after that there was nothing but thick grey fog blanketing his memory. The only thing he knew was that, at some point after that, he had died.

    He remembered what had happened after that, that was for sure.

    “So… it was an accident?”

    He wished he could spare her the truth by answering in the affirmative.


    “Oh.” It was a tiny little sound but he still sucked it down greedily. Every little word and sound made to him was to be treasured after, well, a lifetime without conversation.

    “At least, I think that’s what has happened,” he continued, feeling more and more confident with each word spoken. “I’ve thought about it – and I have had a lot of time to think, that’s all you can really do when you’re, well, like me – and I think that if it were an accident I wouldn’t still be here. I’m… missing.”

    “You were murdered?” she asked in a voice that sounded more like a breathy gasp than anything.

    “I think so.”

    Her eyes widened ever so slightly, and Gregory found himself longing to know what color they were. Green? Blue? They were light, that was for certain. Anything but gray, that was all he wanted to see. Green would look so pretty with that hair… what did green look like, again?

    • February 4, 2010 7:33 pm

      aww, thats so sad!! i would love to read more!!

    • February 4, 2010 9:13 pm

      I’ve read the other pieces from this story that you posted on your website. You writing is wonderful. I wish you the best of luck because as I said last week, I think your writing deserves to be publish. Your writing continuously amazes me.

  8. Ayla permalink
    February 4, 2010 6:11 pm

    This time, I have a poem that I wrote…


    Inspiration is everything.
    Inspiration is joy,
    Joy is inspiration.
    Inspiration is laughter,
    Laughter is inspiration.
    Inspiration is everything,
    And everything is inspiration



    • February 4, 2010 9:11 pm

      This is made of WIN! 😉

      • Anonymous permalink
        February 6, 2010 1:18 pm

        thanks 😀

      • Ayla permalink
        February 6, 2010 6:23 pm

        oops! forgot to change the name to Ayla 😀

  9. Lily Stone permalink
    February 4, 2010 6:10 pm

    Hey, guys! This is the second installment of my little project..enjoy! Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
    “How can you do this?” I had asked him in his room, so long ago. I flashback to the torn look on his face, that beautiful, amazing face. Why is it that of all the happy times, all the times he laughed, and confessed his love to me through his eyes, why is it that I memorized that look? I remember the sorrow and look of regret in his dull eyes; how he hung his head when my eyes started pooling with tears..
    “I just don’t feel it. We all deserve to be with someone who truly makes us happy, don’t we?”
    While I noticed his painfully gorgeous features, my brain digested what he had just said. Swallowing my tears, I got up from his bed. The bed we had shared so many wondrous, intimate memories in. I felt the softness of his comforter for the last time, and looked up at his sheepish expression.

    “Well, then. Sorry you wasted your time on me.”

    “No, Scarlett! Why would you even say that?!” He practically screamed, as he jumped up and came over to me, put his hands on my forearm. I pushed back from his grip; his touch made my blood scream, and I felt lightheaded from his scent.

    “Besides my family, you are the most important person in my life. Period. I don’t even know if this is what I want..I just needed to tell you how I really felt.”

    I looked at him then, my voice on fire in my throat. My eyes glistened but didn’t betray me, thankfully. He didn’t deserve my tears. I needed to get out of here, before my heart gave out. I felt it breaking, literally- like a sledgehammer found me, and broke my rib bones one by one, and after that, ripped my heart in all different places, and then poured in gin to make the pain a slow, burning one. How the fuck can you say something like that to a girl, with such truth in your voice, and want to end your relationship? I never understood it. We COULD have been happy, how could he not see it? I never understood..
    I suppose I said something like “ If you won’t say it..we’re done” , afterwards, but I truly don’t remember. All I remember was the feeling of embarrassment, confusion, and utter disappointment in him, and a self loathing towards myself. I should have been better, I should have done better. Why couldn’t I be enough? I wanted to be his everything, I was willing to do anything.

    I snap back, and realize the tears that didn’t come then, had just came. With tears streaming down my face, I looked down to see that red crimson line that gave me my release. Smiling and dizzy, I watch for a moment as it ran down my arm, along with my sanity and emotional stability.
    Enough, enough for tonight. I wipe my shaky hand on my runny nose, and straighten up. Grabbing a towel from my closet, I clean up my mess and try to write, draw, anything.
    This wasn’t me. But he took my being with me, by leaving me.

    But wait, what did I just say? How pathetic. I really need to get my shit together. Sorry, guys. This isn’t my story, I promise. Nothing like it. I’m no Bella- I don’t fall out of life for months, pining on a guy. My story started with losing him, and now I hold every opportunity in my hands.

    • Ashley permalink
      February 4, 2010 6:44 pm

      I liked it. It was great! She has to try to get over what is done.
      No use in wishing for could have been’s right?
      I want to read more.

    • February 4, 2010 9:10 pm

      I like that she sees him leaving her isn’t the end, but her beginning.

      • Lily Stone permalink
        February 6, 2010 11:42 am

        Thanks guys. I didn’t think it flowed just right, so I tweaked it and make some changes 🙂 I’d post again, but it’s long

  10. Jessica permalink
    February 4, 2010 5:49 pm

    Okay, this is another excerpt from the WIP I posted a while back, with the tattoos, though that one was on Liam’s POV. This one is from Adella’s POV. Tell me what you think! Not sure I like this one as much as the other, don’t think the characters come through as strong, but let me know 🙂


    As we stepped inside, the scent which I knew unmistakably as Liam enveloped me, a sigh forming on my lips. Ink and a light scent of musk danced easily on the air we stirred when entering. My mother moved in before me, taking a seat in one of the leather chairs lining the right wall, one of the signs this was a wealthy establishment had I not already known this was a tattoo parlor.

    Behind the chairs we sat in, resting upon glass cases, were stacks of books, each dated with a year, and filled with drawings, names, and dates of the various tattoos which had been done throughout that year. I could remember the shine upon Liam’s face when he spoke of these books, the memory it revived and the joy he had felt at being of aid to his father, though that was nothing when compared with the emotions on his face as he entered the front room today.

    I looked up upon hearing the door which lead to the back rooms open and caught his eyes, alive with a new fire I hadn’t experienced before. If only we had been alone. I was sixteen now, free to be his, officially, and the pressure of waiting to be able to claim him as mine crushed every bone in my body, the clamp having grown tighter each day leading to today, when I could finally be his.

    In the background, I heard my mother clear her throat and the look of excitement on Liam’s face vanished beneath the persona of a businessman, a shifter taking forms at will. Though his face was composed, his eyes remained bright, alert, as though watching for a moment, a sheer second, when my mother turned away so he could look back towards me.

    • February 4, 2010 9:02 pm

      Oh, there are some gorgeous descriptions in here – I wanted to read it all very slowly, so I could savour each word and feeling in there.

      • Jessica permalink
        February 4, 2010 10:03 pm

        Thank you, I was going for the descriptions. Wanted to make the parlor something mystical. Glad everything worked out well 🙂

    • February 4, 2010 9:08 pm

      Love this: Ink and a light scent of musk danced easily on the air we stirred when entering.

      Beautiful descriptions. You visually bring me into the scene and I love it! Nicely done.

      How old is Liam?

      “and caught his eyes, alive with a new fire I hadn’t experienced before.” Love that.

      • Jessica permalink
        February 4, 2010 10:04 pm

        THANK YOU. Liam’s 20 right here, older than Adella, though the pair is tragically in love.

      • February 4, 2010 10:45 pm

        Tragic love is ever so sad, I find.
        The age difference isn’t too big but it’s enough to cause some issues. If only my 19 year old boy realised that three years difference isn’t as bad as four.

  11. February 4, 2010 5:27 pm

    Hey guys! I’m sharing yet another snippet from the same novel I’ve been sharing snippets from for weeks now. This part, however, comes from one of the “present” bits, which occur 15 years after the girls have their experience in the cult. All feedback is more than welcome! Thanks! 🙂


    I shrug, getting frustrated with myself. “I don’t know! It’s being back in this town for such an extended period. It’s being back in this house. You and I, we’ve done so well so far at avoiding these memories. Coming into town for high school graduations, but staying at a hotel at least half an hour away…”

    “Everyone was so careful to not get married here,” Jackie adds. “We have such great siblings, you know that. They’ve been so concerned about us for the last fifteen years, trying to keep those memories away from us as best they can. They didn’t even question why, suddenly, after five years of being seemingly fine, we couldn’t live here anymore. They just understood why you couldn’t live near that place anymore, that this colony specifically held too many terrible memories for you.”

    “We should be over this by now,” I mumble. “It was fifteen years ago. Those memories should be suppressed well enough in that time.”

    There’s a pause in our conversation. Jackie is squinting at the TV, as though she’s thinking really hard about something.

    “Does Eric know about…?” she trails off.

    “Yes, Eric knows about him. Eric knows about all of it. Doesn’t Andrew know?”

    “Yeah, Andrew knows. But the kids don’t. About any of it.”

    “It’s probably best that way.”

    “They’re going to find out,” Jackie points out. “They’re going to find out this week.”

    “Not if I can help it. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”


    “No, Jackie. I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe after another bit the memories will finally go away.”



    Jackie looks at me and I look back sternly. I’m serious about this. I don’t want to talk about it, think about it, anything. Not anymore. I’m putting my foot down. I want to forget that part of my past and if I have anything to say about it, I will.

    • February 4, 2010 5:40 pm

      I don’t have a clue what is going on here, but I was really pulled in. You’re fantastic at writing dialogue & writing ominously. Great job!

    • Jessica permalink
      February 4, 2010 5:50 pm

      I LOVE dialog, and you captured it really well 🙂 You’ve got me wanting to know more, good job.

    • February 4, 2010 9:04 pm

      Ooh. It’s neat to see Liz in the present as an adult verses her as a teenager.

      I am a little confused by some of what Jackie said. It seems like Liz should already know that so it felt weird for me.

      Lots of questions…again! You like doing that to me. 🙂

      Who are the siblings? What’s going on? Who are they talking about? Why are they there?

  12. February 4, 2010 5:19 pm

    Once again a poem from me : )


    I will rise from these ashes
    Of the home that I wrecked–
    And emerge more beautiful than ever
    In a new unrecognizable form.

    The time has arrived at this unexpected hour–
    To see the beauty in life all around me
    And in him whom is my one true addiction.
    Keep my heart beating and my mind flowing.

    I am through with desensitized dramatics
    And all the awkward games I’ve played.
    All I need is the beauty surrounding me–
    And the intense heat brought upon me.

    Descend with me into my version of paradise–
    A bleak yet inspiring place of pure solitude.
    You may run if you’d like
    And leave me to this eerie and bleak monster.

    I will stand and face the blackest of ashes
    With only my tiny frame for shelter.
    But I am becoming so much more than this shell–
    Let the metamorphoses continue.

    -written on 1-21-10

    Hope you enjoy it and I would love to hear all of your wonderful insights : )

    • Jessica permalink
      February 4, 2010 8:29 pm

      Ooh, very well written, I enjoyed this. I’ve got a soft spot for poetry and loved this one 🙂

    • February 4, 2010 9:00 pm

      I love the idea of the Phoenix. Nicely done!

  13. Stephanie permalink
    February 4, 2010 5:10 pm

    alright, Michelle. You win. This is part of one of the many pieces I have started…and never finished.

    “Yesssss! Out of the house and onto the road! It was bittersweet for Charlie to comprehend. Finally, everything was starting to look good and bright. The roof was down and the wind was blowing through her hair, she liked the way it felt. She felt unleashed and untamed, wild and ready for anything. Cupid slept on the seat next to her. He loved the way it felt to sleep in the warm sun, and it was diffidently warm out. Temperatures at 96 degrees and climbing, at least the breeze was nice and cool.

    Charlie couldn’t imagine what life was like out of the house, her parent’s house, never hers. How could it be? She never spent more than five minutes in that place, she never had a reason to. She was always busy with sports, school, staying after classes just to find an escape from life at home. Thought it was never hard or bad, Charlie wanted something that was hers, not to be found by anyone else.

    That’s when she found the old fort. She had found it years ago, when she was 10. It was abandoned in the middle of an old corn field, hiding on the tallest branches of the tree. It was like it called to her. Nobody had ever seen it, nor had any recollection of who might have built it. Charlie fixed it up and used it as her personal getaway. In fact, Charlie wished she could take the fort with her, as stupid as it sounded. She felt like she was leaving a piece of herself behind, a piece that hopefully would stay as safe and secure for the next “owner” as it was for her.

    Smoke began to rise out of the front of the car as she hit the border of Indiana. “Really? I’m not even close to where I need to be!” She pulled the car over to the side of the road and popped the hood. “Great…the cap is loose!” She popped the trunk and grabbed her tools. As she rounded the front of the car, she noticed another car beginning to slow down. She noticed the windows were down. “I don’t need any help, I’ve got it covered, thanks!” Much to her dislike, the car stopped behind hers and the driver showed himself.

    He was medium height, muscular build, brown hair and hazel eyes. He was wearing a slightly oversized white tee and slightly tighter jeans.
    “Are you sure you don’t need any help?”
    “Yeah, I’ve got it.”
    “You don’t seem like the mechanic type.”
    He laughed, the most perfect laugh she had ever heard. Charlie smiled, but realized quickly she needed to maintain her cool.
    “ I’ve got it. I took shop class in school and know how to fix everything I need to. Thanks.”
    He looked at her, surprised. “A girl taking shop class? Never heard that one before…what was your class grade?
    “That’s a little personal don’t you think?”
    He smiled again, a full smile with beautiful, sparkling white teeth. “Only if you got a bad grade, love.”
    “I got an A, the teacher would have given me higher if they would allow the grading system to go that high.” She was bragging, but it felt good to show someone she was capable of controlling herself.
    The man smiled his beautiful smile again. “My name is Jason. Jason Arden, and you might be?” On the defensive, Charlie replied, “A stranger, and you shouldn’t be talking to me. Didn’t your mother teach you any better?” The man winced, “She would have if she was alive.” Charlie took a step back, ashamed in herself that she hurt someone, especially someone who was willing to help her. “Look I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated about the car. My name is Charlie, Charlie Lansing.” This seemed to cheer him up. “And your pup…what’s his name?”
    “Cupid. He’s my right hand…dog. Ha!” Charlie smiled on the outside, but when she turned around she rolled her eyes. Really, you can’t even play it cool? What is wrong with you?!?
    “Right, well are you sure you don’t need any help? Where are you staying? I can give you a lift if you want?” Charlie turned slowly, considering the offer. “I’m fine, thank you.”
    She watched as Jason climbed back into his black Pontiac and drove up to the side of her. “It was nice to meet you, Charlie Lansing. Maybe we’ll meet again…” And with that he drove away, leaving nothing but dust in his wake. ”
    Little did she know that his departing words were about to be her new start.

    and that’s it…

    • February 4, 2010 5:26 pm

      I looove the way this piece ends, it really leaves me wanting more. You also did a really wonderful job of giving the reader a feel for Charlie’s character even in just that little start. The descriptiveness is wonderful as well and I really can’t wait to hear more of this story. Keep up the great work : )

      • February 4, 2010 7:22 pm

        shea kinda a snarky one, isnt she? 🙂 this is really good! i like the characters already, and i really want to read more, especailly with that ending sentence!

    • February 4, 2010 8:58 pm

      It’s very quick piece. Can see Charlie’s excitement at leaving home. Curious of her age. I dig that she’s a girl capable of taking care of herself and her car. She didn’t need the guy’s help. =)

      • Stephanie permalink
        February 10, 2010 2:16 pm

        Charlie is an 18 year old girl from upstate new york. Her whole life she was overshadowed by her parent’s expectations of her and now she finally gets an out. She’s taking a road trip, ending at her college in California.

    • stargazer permalink
      February 6, 2010 5:36 pm

      oooh i loved it!!! i like the independent type of girl in a story….and then some guy always comes around to make her weak….that alternation is just wonderful!! keep writing….i’d love to read more!

      • Stephanie permalink
        February 10, 2010 2:15 pm

        wow…thanks everyone for the awesome comments! I really like the story myself. I might have to finish it now! :]

  14. February 4, 2010 4:48 pm

    So, this is part of the story I have been submitting for a while now, and this one is a little bit different than the others, but I hope you enjoy.

    Finn’s hands fumbled at my back, displaying the nerves I felt, and lightly pushed my sweater up to my waist. His eyes bored into mine, each one so bright, it hurt my eyes to look. He dropped his gaze, settling on the scar which ran the length of my stomach; from my right hip to my belly button. Any normal person would be ashamed, but I’d never been ashamed of my scars. Every scar held a memory, told a story. The one on my stomach told the story of the last time I saw my dad alive, it held the conversations we shared, locked the love I felt from him inside me, unfading.

    What Finn did next surprised me; his head lowered towards my stomach. I could hear the questions buzzing through his head like a swarm of bees, so I closed my eyes and mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of questions which would no doubt follow. But they never did, and ever so lightly, I felt his lips touch the jagged red scar. My eye’s shot open, my mouth forming a silent O of both horror and amazement. I watched as he left a trail of kisses as light as butterflies all the way across my stomach, ending at my belly button.

    I waited for the angry pulse of fire to shoot through my veins, setting every nerve in my body alight, transferring its deadly touch to Finn.

    It never came.

    Thanks Michelle

    • Ashley permalink
      February 4, 2010 4:51 pm

      This was good! I’d like to

    • February 4, 2010 5:04 pm

      Oh. My. Mighty Goats of Goodness! You are NOT allowed to do that do me!

      I think I stopped breathing. Yep. I did. Amazing, Carla. That was beautiful. There was a rush of emotions. I felt Abby’s hesitations and Finn’s nervousness. And wow. That was so so so beautiful.

      We need to make a pact right here and now that I get to read all of this before you post things. I deserve special treatment, right? And you can’t spring things on me where I fall out of my chair.

      • February 4, 2010 7:16 pm

        oh WOW!!! it is AWESOME!!! i wanna read moore!!!!

  15. Ashley permalink
    February 4, 2010 4:44 pm

    Ok, This is my first time. This is something I’v been working on. Here it goes, tell me what you think…

    It takes place on a cliff, beside of an Ocean.

    I look over the horizon and let out a sigh. A sigh matching the Ocean’s one of his own.

    “Suck it up!” Aidan said to me. I redirect my gaze to him and his beautiful green eyes.

    “Excuse me?” I said in a soft tone.

    “You heard me,” He smiles, my favorite smile, and punches me playfully in the tummy. I shift my body un-easy.

    I look down to my feet, than down low. So low at the sea, roaring to life. The sun was reflecting on it, making it look like a thousand jewels glistening in the sunset.

    “Hold your breath, That’s all ya got to do. Are ya ready girl?” I nod once but I was lying through my teeth. No way was I ready for this! “Look at me,” So I do. I look back to those piercing green eyes. “It’s just a jump, alright?” I nod but words followed after.

    “What if I drown? I’m not that great of a swimmer ya know? And the water,” I look down to it. “Looks deep.” I gulp. He groans in frustration. I glare at him. Well excuse me for not wanting to die in such a stupid manner.

    “I’ll save you, of course! See?” He points at my chest. “Damsel in distress,” than he points at his own. “Super hero.” He places his hands on my shoulder and looks deep into my eyes. “You Jane, Me Tarzan.” I laugh out loud. That was a good example of us. He had Charm, I wouldn’t dare argue that at all.

    “You do have that rugged, dirty jungle look foing on for ya,” I poke his rubs and laugh. He chuckles, finding my lame joke, amusing.

    “Are you ready, Carolina Soledad?” I take a deep breath than nod. “Remember, I’ll be right behind you.” I nod once more and close my eyes. I bend my knees than…Jump


    It was like the Ocean was alive. Breathing. Like a person lets out a soothing sigh of satisfaction. The Ocean was always happy. Always sighing.

    “Your a good swimmer, You lied! I had no chance of saving you.” He bites into his apple. Wh would have ever known, someone could make eating an apple look so appealing but he managed.

    “Thank you, very much.” I brought my knees up to my face and placed them under my chin. I was away from everything. Away with Aidan.

    Aidan made me feel as though I could be happy, like my heart hadn’t stopped. He was the only person on the planet, He was silence, secrecy, and above all, he was my breath.

    A soft breeze blew threw my hair. It was dry by now, probably frizzy. Probably looking like a haystack, like I hadn’t brushed it in years. All the while, his looked like the worlds best hair stylist had finished his days worth.

    “You convinced me to jump off that cliff-”

    “That cliff wasn’t that high, Carolina.” His interuptions would have been more rude of I hadn’t known that was his thing.

    “You convinced me to do something I wouldn’t normally do. You know I’m not all that sane.” He crawled closer to me, placeing his lips on my shoulder for a split second. But that was all it took, to be thrown back into the world I was trying to escape. “I’m not usually a dare devil.” He looked at me though his long astonishing eyelashes.

    “I like this side of you. You can actually be fun.” I let out a half chuckle.

    “What? I’m not fun for you Aidan Mora?” He shook his head.

    “Your boring. And you radiate all this sadness. You eyes…their sad. Even now,” His voice became smaller. “Even now that I saw you smile without pretending. You do a lot of pretending. Tell me why.”

    My shattered heart began to cry. That wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, Especially not now, not with Aidan and now about…him. I let the silence take over. He respected that I wouldn’t, Couldn’t talk about it. He was s condiferate.

    “Can you hear my sorrow?” Being poetic was a long shot for me, but if he understood that, if he said the right antidote, I’d let him in.

    “Kind of.” He whispers. Not quite what I had been thinking, but it was original. It was enough. It was actually so above my expectations, that it made me have expectations. “You look really cute in that dress.” I smiled, fluttered my eyes a bit at him and lastly, I blushed. He looked up, laughing. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. Something was building inside of me. Something that made my heart feel less broken and more healed.

    • Ashley permalink
      February 4, 2010 4:48 pm

      I spelt considerate wrong in the 3 to last paragraph. Sorry.

    • Lily Stone permalink
      February 4, 2010 5:25 pm

      Wow, I love the rush of emotions in this. Your main character sounds intimately torn/sad with something, and I want to know more! I love the personification, especially in this line:
      “It was like the Ocean was alive. Breathing. Like a person lets out a soothing sigh of satisfaction. The Ocean was always happy. Always sighing.”

      I ❤ the ocean, anyways, and this put its power into words.

      Really nice job!

      • Ashley permalink
        February 4, 2010 6:10 pm

        Thank you! 🙂
        You will know more next Open Mic.

    • Ayla permalink
      February 4, 2010 6:12 pm

      oh wow! I REALLY want to know more!!!

      • February 4, 2010 7:14 pm

        oh wow! this is amazing! i can picture everything, you write with such detail! i really really want to read more!!!

    • February 4, 2010 8:51 pm

      Great lines: “So low at the sea, roaring to life.”
      “You do have that rugged, dirty jungle look going on for ya,” I poke his rubs and laugh. He chuckles, finding my lame joke, amusing.

      Like the idea of the ocean being alive and breathing. I think of the ocean like that, too. ;=)

      What’s she trying to escape? What’s their relationship? How did he convince her to jump? Wah! So many questions!


      • Ashley permalink
        February 4, 2010 11:11 pm

        Lol. You will see Danielle. You just have to wait for the next Open Mic. 🙂

  16. February 4, 2010 4:19 pm

    More of my WIP, which is about two to three chapters away from being finished. (Hurrah!)

    The driver’s door opened and I braced myself for the sarcasm and self-righteousness that I knew would accompany his presence. I didn’t look up at him as his footsteps broke into my view of the sidewalk.

    “Fram wanted me to ask you if you wanted one of his fruit roll-up snacks,” he offered, startling me with his playfulness. I didn’t take the bait. He sat himself next to me on the bench.

    “You came all the way over here to ask me that?” I croaked.

    “No. I came all the way here to try and stop you. Do you know how dangerous traveling across state by yourself is?”

    I didn’t answer him. I kept my chin tucked in my shirt and studied the cracks in the cement. We were silent for a few minutes, despite his purposeful grunts and noises to catch my attention. I knew he was growing frustrated and I half expected him to give up and leave me here. But he surprised me when he draped his leather coat over my body.

    I had no choice. I glanced up at him. His eyes weren’t annoyed, or frustrated, or angry. They were soft and understanding. And they were so inviting that when he extended his hand, I gripped his fingers without hesitation. The feel of his skin entwined with mine heightened my body temperature dramatically.

    • February 4, 2010 5:36 pm

      Congrats on almost being finished! That’s such a great feeling, isn’t it? 🙂

      I really like this excerpt. I enjoy the playfulness in the very beginning of the dialogue. Even though I don’t really know what’s going on, I can tell its a serious situation and the beginning dialogue was really good at throwing me off…in a good way. I very much felt like how your main character felt. Your descriptions in the last two paragraphs were very engaging too. Overall, very good writing. I could feel the emotions, see what was happening, all that good stuff. 🙂

    • February 4, 2010 5:45 pm

      Congrats on being so close to the finish line with your WIP! What an exciting feeling.

      I like the idea of her bracing herself for the sarcasm. Also, there’s a pull in this short piece. She’s hesitant, but curious. She expects him to be a certain way and then is surprised when he acts in a kinder way.

      Is this the father?

      • February 4, 2010 10:53 pm

        Love this, need this, want to see more of it, okay dearie?
        It’s got me hooked!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      February 5, 2010 10:43 pm

      Katie?! You’re almost done?! I’m SO excited for you. Completing a whole book is a HUGE accomplishment. Finishing my first book was really a turning point for me. The moment at which I started really believing I could do it, you now?

      Anyway, I like this piece a lot. I especially like the little details, like this;

      I kept my chin tucked in my shirt and studied the cracks in the cement. We were silent for a few minutes, despite his purposeful grunts and noises to catch my attention. I knew he was growing frustrated and I half expected him to give up and leave me here. But he surprised me when he draped his leather coat over my body.

      This is good! Detailed enough that I can SEE it without being SO detailed that I tune out. Nicely done! And be sue to come back and let us know when you finish so we can celebrate with you, okay?


  17. February 4, 2010 4:14 pm

    Hi Michelle & Everyone! I wasn’t going to submit something this week. Kind of a bad writing week, but I might be addicted because here I am submitting another piece from “Grim”. All feedback, including constructive feedback will be appreciated! Thanks!

    This scene takes place somewhere after the initial shock and anger Leigh has discovering Grim’s true identity. Despite her hesitations, she’s curious by him. It’s not every day you fall in love with Death.

    “Grim, what’s it like being dead?” Leigh asks.
    “I’m not dead.”
    “You’re not living either.”
    I don’t know how to explain it to her because I don’t understand it myself. I don’t know how much I should tell her. I was alive once. What do I remember from that time? Would it matter now to know who I was? I’m not that person. He no longer exists. How I wish he did exist. But still, that wouldn’t change this situation. I wouldn’t know Leigh. She wouldn’t be stretched out in the sand with her head in my lap, my fingers mindlessly twisting in her hair listening to the sound of the waves crashing into the earth. We wouldn’t be here together. I would have been here a long time before she would have ever showed up. We wouldn’t have this.
    And I’m not giving this up.
    Her eyes are closed and I wonder if she’ll fall asleep in my silence.
    I know we don’t have much time. I sense the change. My list is disappearing and it’s not because I’m doing a stellar job. They know what I’ve done. I’m being punished. But is not being a reaper a punishment? You’d think I’d be happy with the prospect of not being a reaper anymore, but I’m not. What happens to me if I longer collect the souls? Where do I go?
    “What are you thinking?” she whispers.
    “What happens to us now that you know the truth.”
    “Do they know?”
    “I imagine they do,” I say.
    I’ve been waiting since Hank died for Sal to come.

    Thank you!

    • February 4, 2010 4:22 pm

      oops!! I responded to the wrong one!!

      I have shivers! dude, what happens when Sal comes?? I want to cry! My poor little Grim, nothing bad better happen to him lady or else!

      This is amazing, I can feel the sand under my feet and hear the waves thundering in my ears. I feel like i’ve been transported to the beach, like i’m not just a reader, more like a witness to whats happening. Maybe because I really connect with Grim as a character, I find him likeable, I want to be his friend. You are so good at dialogue it’s crazy, this makes me want more, so yeah, you know my email right?

    • Ashley permalink
      February 4, 2010 4:25 pm

      Love it! I want more! lol.

    • February 4, 2010 5:32 pm

      Very intriguing! I like it a lot. I particularly enjoy Grim’s inner dialogue. Even though I only have a vague idea of what’s going on (which I’m sure would be different reading the story from beginning to end), I still definitely feel the tension in this decision Grim is trying to make. I can really feel that he’s at a crossroads of some sort. Great writing! 🙂

      • February 4, 2010 7:05 pm

        aww! i really love this!! i want to read more soo badly!!! i can just picture all of it!! really great writing!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      February 5, 2010 10:35 pm

      God, I love this storyline SO much, Danielle! I would really, REALLY love to see this become a whole book.

      Your dialogue always feels so real to me. Very authentic, and it all flows very smoothly.

      Ya got talent, Sweets!

    • February 8, 2010 6:10 pm

      Thank you Michelle, Carla, Ashley, Erin and Meagan for your comments. 😎

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