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Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

February 12, 2010

Tonight’s Not So Old Fashioned Advice question involves that ever-enigmatic mystery; love at first sight.

Please pitch in and offer this guest your words of wisdom in the comments section. And remember; if you have a question for a future column, leave it here under comments. You can stay incognito by using “Anonymous” in the name field and not posting your email address.

Fine print; I can’t be held responsible for decisions made based on the advice herein. These are only my opinions. I’m not a therapist. I’m just one of those people other people go to for advice, even though I don’t always have my act together in my own life. Go figure.

Dear MZ;

Do you believe in love at first sight? I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and thought it would be a lot harder than it actually was. However, I’ve been dating a new man now and I can honestly say that I am head over heels for him. I’ve known him for a while and don’t believe it to be infatuation, but I’m so skeptical that it’s hard for me to believe in love at first sight even though all signs point to that. We’re already engaged and plan on waiting a while to marry but I really want to know if you believe in love at first sight? Also, are we moving too fast?

– Lucky in Love?

Dear Lucky in Love –

As a rule, I tend to believe that true love, lasting love, develops over time. The feelings we have for someone when we’re first dating are more often infatuation. Even when you think you really know someone in the very beginning, the brain plays tricks on us, making imperfections and quirks seem charming and cute instead of the annoying, I’m-going-to-scream-if-you-do-that-one-more-time habits that seem more noticeable as time passes.

That said, it doesn’t sound like you’ve just met your boyfriend. You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but it sounds like maybe you’ve been friends for awhile? If this is the case, it’s more likely that you DO, in fact, know each other and are less likely to have unpleasant surprises later. In this case, it really ISN’T love at first sight.

You also don’t say how long it was after you ended your five year relationship that you began dating Mr. Right. I’m a firm believer that everyone needs time alone after a long-term relationship before jumping into something new. Relationships change us in ways we don’t  expect, and I’ve always thought it wise to take time to reflect when one ends – on how it changed you, why it didn’t work, what YOUR part in its not working was, and how to avoid making the same mistake next time. I’ve been physically separated from my soon-to-be ex-husband for two years now, and haven’t dated at all. It’s ben really good for me to be alone (with my kids). It’s given me some time to think about where things went wrong and what I can do to make better decisions next time. It’s also made me absolutely positive that I CAN be alone. Not only that, but I can be truly HAPPY and fulfilled alone. I think that will make me a better partner for someone when the right person comes along.

All this said, I don’t know enough about your specific circumstances to be more detailed. I think it’s wise to have a long engagement, and perhaps you can spend some of that time asking yourself the difficult questions we all have to ask when we’ve ended one relationship and are embarking on something new.

Wishing you the best, and a very happy engagement!

MZ

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 27, 2010 10:26 pm

    I totally believe in love at first sight
    You are really lucky if you get to share something as magical as love!
    Great blog!!! 🙂

  2. Bantiarna permalink
    February 14, 2010 5:08 pm

    I can only agree to Michelle.
    I’ve been in a couple of relationships in the last few years, none of them lasted very long. Some where just bad decisions ( a relationship build on a very fragile friendship with someone that is not only miles away but also lives in a total different culture, just can’t last.) but most of them really were a happy and enjoyable time I like to remember. The good relationships were not only based on love but also on friendship.
    I don’t believe in love at first sight, I just believe that somewhere there is the right partner for everyone and maybe you don’t recognize him/her first. Maybe you found him and recognized him as your perfect partner at first sight, maybe you still need to search. But if you really feel at home when he is around, just let yourself float with the stream for a while and see what might become.

  3. February 12, 2010 10:31 pm

    I believe it to a certain extent, and while it’s a wonderful feeling and you should definitely hold on to it, just keep yourself cautious.

    Two years ago, I jumped into something with a guy I had only known for two weeks. I was so crazy about him and I thought for sure that his feelings were mutual. At that point, I was sure that it was love at first sight. But through time, he began pulling away and eventually he was dating some younger girl he had met while in the relationship with me.

    I’m not telling that story to be a downer. It’s a glorious feeling and I’m rooting for the relationship with this guy, but feelings are so unpredictable. As are great relationships. Some lucky people get the right person with one try, others will have to kiss a lot of frogs. But if he’s making you that happy, let yourself go with it and see where it takes you.

    I was probably no help at all, but I hope you and this lucky guy work out! 🙂

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      February 13, 2010 10:37 am

      I think that’s great advice, Katie! There are no guarantees, but that doesn’t mean we should let worry over the future prevent us from enjoying the present. That first blush of love IS an amazing feeling, and Katie’s right; you should savor every minute!

      MZ

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