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Thursday Night Write

May 13, 2010

Time for another edition of Thursday Night Write! You know the rules; post your writing excerpt of up to 300 words or less and be sure to comment at least one other entry.

And now, for something a little different!

Today is a very big day for birthday’s in the blogosphere. I’ve been so fortunate to have an incredible group of fans and supporters, and I HAVE to take the time to wish them a happy birthday!

First, a HUGE Happy Birthday to friend and review blogger, Adele of Persnickety Snark. I’ve never met Adele in person (something that’s going to change in August – WOOT!), but I have felt like she was a friend since the very beginning. Her friend Adiba approached me about participating in a birthday vlog a few weeks ago, but since I’m vlog shy, I decided to send my birthday wishes the way I know best – with words.

Z

Z

Adele, your support and friendship has meant to much so me this past year. I’m constantly inspired by your spirit and determination, My life would be less joyful without your presence in it. I just know we’re going to be life-long friends. I ❤ you, Sweets! Now Have a Happy Birthday!

Next, a big birthday hug for my very good friend, Jenny, my twin in pretty much everything. Jenny is one of those rare people who never make me feel like I have to be my BEST self. I can just be my REAL self, whatever that may be at the time. If I’m emo or angsty or bitter or pissed off or petty, Jenny not only loves me but accepts me just the way I am and without judgment of any kind. THAT is the rarest and most real kind of friend. Plus, we can talk on the phone for HOURS. I love you, Jen, and I wish I was there to do something no one else but us would think was fun to do on your birthday. ❤

My next birthday wish goes to Sophie of the Mundie Moms. Sophie ALWAYS makes me smile. Her genuine love and enthusiasm for life, her friends (both online and otherwise), and her family somehow brings ME joy, too. One of the reasons I’m campaigning so hard for a Texas tour stop is because I’m DYING to spend time with Sophie, Katie, and a few margaritas. Have a joyous birthday, Sophie! ❤

Lastly, a big Happy Birthday to Andrew, aka Peweterwolf13. Andrew has been a die-hard fan of my work, an online friend, and a supporter of my as-yet-unapproved tour of the UK. 😀 Happy Birthday, Andrew! I hope we get to meet someday so we can raise a pint (or whatever!) together.

How awesome is this birthday list, you guys? It’s like the planets all line up in awesomeness on this one day!

😀

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56 Comments leave one →
  1. Shannon Hamling permalink
    May 16, 2010 2:13 am

    something new! enjoy! comments and critique please!
    _________________
    Two years, four months, and a day. That’s how long I’ve been smacking myself on the head, metaphorically of course.
    Have you ever been absolutely sure that something can’t happen, won’t happen, or a threat simply doesn’t exist? Well next time don’t be so sure. See it’s like birth control, you can get close to one hundred percent but you’ll just never get there.
    Kris, is what happened over two years ago. I tell my friends that these fantastical beings and creatures don’t exist and the next day Kris shows up at my school looking for me. He even knew my real name. Which was odd because nobody calls me by it, very simply because my mom was on a mission to make me different from conception. My name is Hekate AnaMaria Taylen.
    Anyway, he tells me that he’s a vampire. I listen waiting for the part where he says “Just kidding”, when I can fall on my butt and laugh. It never came though, he went on to tell me that he was a part of an organization called The Order of Taylen. Kris said it was time for me to find out who I really was. I felt like Superman. It turns out I’m supposed to be this really powerful witch slash warrior. To think, the day before I was explaining how this stuff was just a load of dung.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 10:36 am

      I like how this is a kind of first-person, stream-of-consciousness. It makes you feel like you’re really inside the narrator’s head.

      My critique would be in the organization. Try to finish each thread you introduce to the reader or transition to a new thought as smoothly as possible.

      As an example;

      Two years, four months, and a day. That’s how long I’ve been smacking myself on the head, metaphorically of course.
      Have you ever been absolutely sure that something can’t happen, won’t happen, or a threat simply doesn’t exist? Well next time don’t be so sure.

      The first two sentences clearly go together, but then we’re kind of yanked to something totally new. It makes me scratch my head, trying to figure out what the thing that “can’t happen, won’t happen, etc.” has to do with our narrator smacking herself on the head.

      It could be something as simple as this;

      Two years, four months, and a day. That’s how long I’ve been smacking myself on the head, metaphorically of course.
      Ever since Kris showed up in my geometry class.
      Have you ever been absolutely sure that something can’t happen, won’t happen, or a threat simply doesn’t exist? Well next time don’t be so sure.

      That’s probably not the best example! But you get the idea. If you finish one thought and try to transition it into the next, the reader will be pulled smoothly through your story without having to pause to piece things together.

      Can’t wait to see where you take this, hon! Thanks for sharing!

      MZ

      • Shannon Hamling permalink
        May 20, 2010 1:24 pm

        Thank you SOOO much! I did realize the jaggedness of my writing after I posted it. I’d like to give myself the excuse that I wrote it in 10 minutes (a stupid dare that I accepted from my sister.) but that doesn’t excuse it’s sloppy flow, or lack there of. =]] thanks.

      • michellezinkbooks permalink*
        May 20, 2010 2:14 pm

        Aw! Not sloppy at all, hon! I usually don’t even critique, but since you asked, I didn’t want to turn you away with nothing!
        *hugs*

        I really like it and am curious to see where you go with it. Hope you post more of it here!

        MZ

      • michellezinkbooks permalink*
        May 20, 2010 2:51 pm

        PS. It takes GUTS to ask for a critique!
        😀

        MZ

  2. May 14, 2010 5:45 pm

    Hey guys, hope all is well with yall! Heres just a little something. Not real good, but I haven’t written much lately- that I like anyway, lol….. Btw, I’m really excited so I’m gunna share this info: My high school band went to a contest in Canton yesterday, and we got a 1!! I was so happy 😄 (then we went to a little water park, and me and a friend were laying in chairs, and both FELL ASLEEP! My back is buuuurnt!!) ok, enough of my yapping! Here ya go……

    4-15-10
    Writers-block

    So.
    I’m trying to
    write something good.

    Something
    that will tug
    at your heartstrings.

    I
    want to write
    something about how
    love is imperfect,
    but also how that’s
    why it’s so amazing.

    I want
    to write about
    how the sky
    is forever smiling down
    on us- at least
    until we destroy
    our world by our
    own selfishness,
    and stupidity.

    I want to write
    about how the
    rain feels like
    it’s going to wash away
    my very home,
    as it continuously
    pours down harshly
    and without mercy.

    But I can’t.
    For I have
    Writers-block.

    I want to write
    about how
    I know death
    will come.
    About how
    inevitable it is,
    but when
    I think about it,
    the healing hole
    is ripped open,
    once again
    ragged,big and painful.

    About how
    I try to hide
    it on the inside,
    and to not let
    them see that
    I’m in misery.

    I want
    to write and say
    how I’m afraid
    of such silly things
    and how I’m
    scared of
    being afraid:
    It’s a weakness.

    But
    I’ve got
    Writers-block.

    I wanted
    to write something
    poetic and strong.
    Something
    tat would inspire.

    But I didn’t.
    I got stuck with
    this mass of words
    all about
    Writers-block.

    • May 15, 2010 1:45 am

      I like this. I like how you paint contradictory pictures with your words. Nicely done!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 10:19 am

      This made me smile! It’s an ode to writers everywhere!

      But also very beautiful. I love this part;

      I want to write
      about how
      I know death
      will come.
      About how
      inevitable it is,
      but when
      I think about it,
      the healing hole
      is ripped open,
      once again
      ragged,big and painful.

      Wonderful!

      And congrats on your “1”!!! You definitely earned your water park day, but I’m sorry you got burned!

      MZ

      • May 20, 2010 5:47 pm

        Thank you very very much Michelle!!!! 🙂

  3. Heaven's Soldier permalink
    May 14, 2010 6:07 am

    Elegant yet ambitious;
    Glamorous yet attractive;
    Self-less and self-assured.
    Elements of your beauty;
    God made you perfect I can’t neglect
    Gifted with a style and smile,
    That fills my hollow heart
    And fix these damage parts
    Then mould/mend my heart;
    This broken heart
    Revoke the past and make me whole again
    Stop the agony and the scars that dwelled,
    This makes me well again
    You make my life worth living once more,
    The only thing I need and want,
    And that I can’t get enough of
    Is you,
    Your beauty and kindness
    Tender and gentle as one could be
    I can withstand anything around you,
    For you understand me for who I am
    You, in this hazy world, shine for me.
    Instinctively I knew that you were the one
    With an angel’s voice so calming,
    And a face ever so brilliant, it’s never weary,
    Become mine and show me what true love
    Is ought to be like, not like the rest/others before.
    My trust is with you don’t lose it.
    By: Nathanael Nicholas
    (Heaven Soldier)

    • May 19, 2010 6:34 pm

      This is really good. I like your descriptions, very nicely done!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 10:16 am

      This is lovely. It makes me think of the classic poems that were love letters of a sort. Very elegant and with a hint of melancholy.

      Especially love this line;

      You, in this hazy world, shine for me.

      Thanks so much for sharing it!

      MZ

  4. Mak...XD permalink
    May 14, 2010 6:01 am

    You seem like a fantasy
    To me.
    More than just a mere
    myth.
    A possibility;
    A miracle;
    Waiting to happen.
    You seem to be coming out of
    My imagination.
    Like child’s play,
    You crowd my
    Dreams.
    A friend of
    the immature
    Mind.
    How can you love
    Me so?
    Someone so infantile
    Such as I.
    Someone so insecure
    Such as I.
    You will make
    Me strong.
    And I, too, will
    Love you
    Till
    Our Last Goodbye.
    25/04/10

    • May 14, 2010 4:52 pm

      Mak, I LOVE this!! Every single one of your pieces are just so amazin. 🙂 I look forward to reading them, there just so spectacular!

    • Shannon Hamling permalink
      May 16, 2010 2:31 am

      I love it! It powerful how even thought you describe yourself as infantile and immature you make such a mature decision to love somebody!! =]]

      • Shannon Hamling permalink
        May 16, 2010 2:33 am

        sorry… *It’s

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 10:13 am

      Gorgeous. I love how the lines are short – almost blunt – but still have so much feeling in them.

      Great job, hon!

      MZ

  5. May 14, 2010 1:53 am

    Okay, I’m continuing the same improv script! Venetia found an amulet that is really a portal to the Realm of Otherness, and it’s up to her to keep it safe. Andrick, who’s Venetia’s classmate, along with two time travelers, Reviva and Cadman, are helping her.

    INT. CLASSROOM. AFTERNOON. 1886.

    VENETIA (seventeen with long, brown hair, golden brown eyes, and a brown school girl’s clothes with torn stockings)nods off onto her desk. EST-a classroom with about twenty desks of girls and boys in their last year of study. A row of windows line the left side of the wall, and the rest of the classroom is full of papers and study guides. As Venetia’s head hits the desk, her instructor, MISS BRANDISH (a middle aged woman with an uptight bun in her hair and stern glasses)bangs her pointer on the desk.

    MISS BRANDISH
    Venetia, pay attention!

    VENETIA:
    Sorry, Miss Brandish.

    Miss Brandish continues on with her lesson. Venetia pulls the amulet of her pocket and looks at it wistfully. She looks out the window, and the sun reminds her of Arachne’s gleaming eyes. For a moment, she feels like she is sucked back into his world.

    MISS BRANDISH:
    Venetia, answer the question!

    Out of the corner of her eye, she sees ANDRICK (eighteen with dark, curly hair, green eyes, and wearing a slightly unbuttoned oxford, and relaxed brown pants)laughing spitefully at her. She glares and looks back at the instructor.

    VENETIA:
    Benjamin Franklin?

    MISS BRANDISH:
    (looks suprised)
    That’s correct!

    Venetia is pleasantly surprised. The class is dismissed. SAFIA (seventeen with an olive complexion and dark, curly hair)goes up to Venetia.

    SAFIA:
    You seem so tired, and
    yet it’s clearly not from
    studying too hard. What’s
    wrong.

    VENETIA:
    Nothing. I don’t want to
    talk about it. I can’t.

    Venetia watches Andrick leave, and Safia notices this and smiles.

    VENETIA:
    It has nothing to do with
    him! Well, not directly.
    I’ve got a task to do,
    alright? Something more
    important than lessons.
    But I must do this by
    myself. Alright?

    SAFIA:
    Why must you isolate
    yourself so much?

    Venetia looks like she is about to say something but changes her mind. She scoops up her books and leaves the classroom quickly. Safia eyes her incredulously.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 10:12 am

      I’m really enjoying the continuing saga of Andrick and Venetia, Dana! Thanks for giving us a little something different in the form of a script!

      MZ

  6. Jenny permalink
    May 14, 2010 1:05 am

    I wasn’t sure if I should post on this thread since i’m not posting work, but i’m gonna anyway! 😀 Reading your Happy Birthday to me made me cry.(in a happy way) I hope you know, I absolutely adore you and value our friendship more than I can properly express. It’s really comforting for me to know that there’s someone else in the world who nods at the same things I do and gets me. Thanks, Michelle, for always being there for me.<3 you !!! xo

    • Jenny permalink
      May 14, 2010 1:24 am

      oooh! And a big Happy Birthday to Adele, Sophie and Andrew!!! I hope your day was phenomenal!!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:53 am

      ❤ you backkkkk!

      MZ

  7. May 13, 2010 9:38 pm

    Another excerpt from my YA! Enjoy, dears! 🙂

    Blair was already at the lunch table when I sat down, my eyes on the unopened buds on a nearby dogwood tree. I had the power to wither those flowers before they opened, or coax them into an early birth—and premature death. I sighed. Tris could make them bloom and last.

    I pushed the thought away violently, focusing on the conversation swelling around me, dismissing Tristin and his power from my mind. Sorcha growled and I felt my temper fray.

    Nearby, a freshman mock wrestling with a friend yelped as a friendly blow became heavy and I inhaled sharply as the anger and dark feelings flooded out of both boys. Gil coughed suddenly, and my eyes snapped to him. “What’s wrong?” I heard Blair ask, as if at a distance. I didn’t care—dark emotions were flooding into me from the boys, the friendly tussle escalating into a full-blown fight.

    Then the emotions were gone. I could feel the power of a royal fae slid across me, blocking the emotions from me, and I hissed, suddenly enraged.

    I caught sight of eyes full of Summer heat and smiled, the air turning icy around me. “You aren’t strong enough to block me,” I whispered, too quiet for the mortals to hear.

    Eli stiffened, and the power blocking me from the emotional buffet strengthened, racing across my skin like a whirlwind, heat and life and the ripe scent of summer, scorching me.

    “I’m strong enough to try,” he murmured.

    A cold hand clamped on my wrist and I gasped as Gil almost dragged me away. The heat of Eli’s power slid away, and I shivered once as I felt it’s absence, and the growing coldness that surrounded me and Gil. “Let it go, Princess.” He growled under his breath as he pulled me along, a glamour hiding my stumbling from the mortals we passed. “They’ll notice you’re different if you don’t learn to control it.”

    • FlaglineGeek permalink
      May 17, 2010 7:00 pm

      I really like this, but I wish I knew more backstory.

      • May 21, 2010 5:01 pm

        glad you like it! Its from mid-way through the novel….sorry if it was a bit confusing. :/

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:52 am

      Love. It.

      Very urban and gritty. This is my favorite;

      Eli stiffened, and the power blocking me from the emotional buffet strengthened, racing across my skin like a whirlwind, heat and life and the ripe scent of summer, scorching me.

      “I’m strong enough to try,” he murmured.

      I really like how you juxtapose an everyday cafeteria scene with the otherworldly concept.

      Thanks for sharing it!

      MZ

      • May 21, 2010 5:03 pm

        Thanks!! I’m super excited your actually liking these snipets, hun 🙂 (This is my CP’s favorite scene of the novel.)

  8. May 13, 2010 9:26 pm

    And happy birthday to Adele, Jenny and PewterWolf13 — my fellow MayBabies!!!

  9. May 13, 2010 9:24 pm

    Michelle –
    How can I ever thank you for your sweet comments?!?! Your friendship is so special to me. And your story is amazing. PotS
    is such a well written, twisty tale. *sigh* Thank you for the magic both in fiction and in real life.

    You know I’m looking forward to reading GotG. That’s a present in itself!!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:48 am

      Back at you, Sophie! I hope you had a wonderful birthday!
      *hugs*

      MZ

  10. Caroline permalink
    May 13, 2010 8:31 pm

    I hopped into the car with CJ following close behind. As James, our owner, shut the door I looked at CJ, who happened to be grooming himself! “CJ you can do that later, I don’t want to see your butt in the car!” I laughed.
    The car engine started and we raced out of the drive way! “I hope we make it on time!” James was clearly concerned about the time. “Come on Red, why does it bother you when I clean myself but you’re not grossed out when you do?” CJ was very concerned about the dogs at the contest!
    “Where did James say we’re going? Some dog contest right? The state contest right?” Each state is aloud one dog contest team; each team can only have one dog for each sport.
    “Yep we’re going to the New York state contest! I can’t wait I hope I get picked to be the state show dog!” CJ zoned out at the thought of all that fame!
    “Where are Conner and Jessie?” James was so frustrated he forgot Jessie and Conner!
    He did a legal U-turn and headed back to the house. “I hope Conner has a shot at the weight pulling! He is a St. Bernard after all!” CJ was so happy to have at least another boy dog in the house.
    Hi everyone, I hope you like this! Thanks!
    Caroline!

    Jessie was waiting next to Conner outside of the gray dog door that Conner couldn’t get through!
    They hopped in the car, Conner sitting next to CJ, and Jessie sitting next to me. I liked it that way because the girls talked about girl things and the boys talked about the boy things!
    James started to drive so fast that I was getting sick! “I hope there are some cute boys there.” Jessie was so eager, she couldn’t wait to race. Jessie was a Grey Hound, the fastest breed of dog.
    CJ turned around and said “Just look in front of you, there’s some cute guys up here!” He laughed. “Yeah well you’re not that cute for a golden retriever!” I barked that back so fast James yelled “Quit it all of you!”

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:47 am

      This is so cute, hon! It made me laugh. And clearly, you have inherited your mother’s love of exclamation points.
      😀

      I know how much you love animals, but even if I didn’t, this piece would make it evident. I love how you give the dogs personalities just like people.

      Nicely done, my sweet.

      Mommy

  11. Joey permalink
    May 13, 2010 8:29 pm

    Hi, I’m your daughters friend Joey! I hope you like my poem!

    By the road, a wet rug
    Smashed to the road, by the things called cars
    It was raining, I saw a pathetic leg,
    The Lats thought of a dog, must be the saddest
    The life ended
    The rain stopped
    The world ended

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:44 am

      Oh, this is so sad, Joey…. You must really love animals.

      Thanks so much for sharing it, hon.

      MZ

  12. May 13, 2010 8:21 pm

    something i wrote a few days ago when i was supposed to be prepping the house for the realtor, but i felt like it was something that needed to be written. it’s actually a diary entry from friday, may 7th, so i know it’s still rough and edgy, but it’s also gritty and realistic, something i need in my life. enjoy :]

    ———————————-

    hey,

    i’m struggling to keep a grip on reality and my humanity, and as i admit this to myself, there is nothing i’d like more right now than to burst out in tears. to be able to feel something, if anything. my mind is befuddled and twisted and i can’t think straight anymore. no longer am i full of emotion, no more am i the bright and cheery girl you’d see at the local diner every saturday, singing karaoke and playing the arcade games.

    i cried today, for the first time in a long time, but that was more a mix of nausea and disgust than anything else, as my biology class dissected hearts and i couldn’t stand to see it all. i remember running to the bathroom and emptying my stomach and having my hair hang over my eyes and the flush of the porcelain toilet and looking in the mirror and seeing how truly hideous you had made me. i’m a monster, can’t you see?

    and you may think that you’re doing me good, leaving me behind, but what are you trying to prove? i am no more of a girl than you are a god, no more of a human than you are a ghost. wait, no, that’s right. you’re dead to me and yet at the same time, i’m having trouble living without you. you were the only person who could truly make me feel, feel things i’ve never felt before. so why did you leave? i know we’ve had our ups and downs; i’ve pulled you along the bottom of the murky pond yet i’ve also danced with you on the surface of the pale moon. does none of that even matter to you anymore? do you even remember those nights, or do you still believe that they were nothing more than hallucinations from your smoky drugs or merely glorious dreams?

    and if it’s any consolation, just know that as i’m standing in the shower late at night, trying to let the hot water soothe my aching muscles and allowing me to relax, you’re the only thing on my mind. i know that there’s nothing good enough that i can do that will allow you to forgive me, but maybe i don’t want that. maybe i like the idea of a furious ex-lover, keeping updates on me just because finally letting go is too hard, is too much to bare. knowing that you’re lurking just beyond the shadows makes me feel unbelievably safe, as sad as that sounds. but for some reason, i still need you, and i know that you need me.

    • May 13, 2010 9:50 pm

      awww *hugs* this makes me sad. but it’s beautiful–i liked the line

      i know we’ve had our ups and downs; i’ve pulled you along the bottom of the murky pond yet i’ve also danced with you on the surface of the pale moon

      it’s got so much imagery in it and it’s just gorgeous. Good work, chicka.

      • May 14, 2010 5:00 pm

        This was very real and raw. I enjoyed it, such great imagery, thought it made me kinda sad. I’m sending you a *HUG*.

      • May 14, 2010 5:20 pm

        thanks nazarea,
        like i said in my post, this is my diary entry from last friday and that night i felt so alone. my past few relationships all ended horribly and the last guy that made me believe that he really did like me decided that giving up drugs and his old way of life was too hard to just be with me. i needed a way to vent, and i find that my most beautiful pieces are always written when i’m mad or frustrated or sad enough that i’m about to break down while i’m driving home and bawl my eyes out.

        i really liked that line too, my favourite :]
        thankyouuu.

      • May 14, 2010 5:21 pm

        thanks meagan :]
        i’m really glad to hear that you like this, you and all the other writers on here are just stroking my ego and one day it’ll take over as a seperate entity and rule the world :3 lol

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:43 am

      Oh, Alix… what a writer you are, hon. This is obviously heartfelt and true, but also so well-written and poignant and heartbreaking.

      My favorite is;

      i’ve pulled you along the bottom of the murky pond yet i’ve also danced with you on the surface of the pale moon.

      This is such an apt description of our relationships (especially if we tend to be darker people). One of those things that ring so true and yet I don’t know if many people would be able to articulate this well.

      Thanks so much for sharing this. I hope you keep writing. You’ve got a gift.

      MZ

      • May 20, 2010 3:46 pm

        thanks michelle =3
        i really had a lot of fun writing this piece and if you like this, i hope you’ll like the prose that i’ll be submitting tonight :]

  13. May 13, 2010 6:54 pm

    Kaiden held the door open wide enough for Ensley to enter, but not too wide for the few passersby to catch a glimpse of the small apartment lit by only candles. Inside, it was much bigger that it appeared. Ensley, who had kept her head down and away from the gazes of the four present Deyalii, looked up and met the eyes of the male. He was tall, almost like a giant, and had crimson skin. His eyes were black caves without a single light to guide one out. He had tilted, narrow eyes, a large nose—almost Roman-like—and a small mouth. He was clothed in a crisp business suit, white gloves, and grey fedora was atop his head. There were three women as well, but Ensley only noticed the man.
    Fury as old as Ensley’s great-grandmother coursed through her like blood. There had been one occasion before now where Ensley had encountered the Deyalii; it was when they murdered her parents, forcing her to watch. Memories of an ironclad grip on her throat, and blood-curdling shrieks arose in Ensley’s head and she began to tremble. The male noticed her right away and smirked. He remembered as clearly as she and would use that to his advantage.
    Kaiden, however, kept a blank, straight face in the presence of the Deyalii. He had not endured their wrath like Ensley; had not felt how much the Deyalii longed to kill. It was in their nature, but Kaiden didn’t know that. To him, they were ordinary demons who held power, but to Ensley, and all others of her kind, they were the sworn enemies and nothing would make them happier if they all died out.
    Too absorbed in her thoughts, Ensley didn’t hear Kaiden exchange words with the male and begin to converse casually. It was until her name was mentioned that Ensley remained oblivious.
    The male glared at her and she glared back, malice shining in his soulless eyes as he smirked. He was a demon and she was an angel; they hated each other because that was the way it was supposed to be, though watching him murdering her parents might’ve helped strengthen her hatred towards the Deyalii.

    • May 13, 2010 9:27 pm

      Wow. Just…wow. The tension is really good here and I LOVE your descriptions. You really bring to life the environment and what Ensley is feeling. Great job! I want to read more!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 20, 2010 7:39 am

      What a wonderfully vivid scene! I LOVE it! I can really see everything unfold, and you give us just enough detail to set the scene without being too overwhelming.

      I especially love this part;

      He was tall, almost like a giant, and had crimson skin. His eyes were black caves without a single light to guide one out. He had tilted, narrow eyes, a large nose—almost Roman-like—and a small mouth. He was clothed in a crisp business suit, white gloves, and grey fedora was atop his head. There were three women as well, but Ensley only noticed the man.

      Am very intrigued with this concept, Elly. Great job!

      MZ

  14. May 13, 2010 6:38 pm

    Hello! A little different from me this week. Both of these are from picture prompts. I put two because they’re short and well, I wanted to put two. 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

    ~Danielle~
    1.
    He hears the call of the ocean
    The waves falling and crashing against each other
    Battling for his souls

    Angry and rushed
    Sad and longing
    Alone and afraid

    He leads his victims here
    To the Gates of Salvation
    To the doors of Heaven and Hell

    He’s there like a whisper
    Like a kiss in the wind
    Like the sound of a mother’s voice

    He does not choose your death
    He does not choose sides
    He does not choose this

    Yet, He is feared
    He is fought
    He is hated

    He is the hand upon your shoulder
    He is the kiss upon your lips
    He is the sound of your mother’s voice

    He is not the hero
    He is not the savior
    He is my death

    And his name is Grim.
    _____________________________________________________

    2.
    The children were not afraid
    Though they should have been
    But children weren’t burdened by the same fears as adults

    Children embraced the shadows
    Children made friends with the unseen
    Children learned the names of ghosts

    Ghosts who giggled when they played
    Ghosts who lived inside the dollhouse
    Rearranging furniture

    Now collecting dust in the attic
    Long forgotten
    And trapped
    Inside the memories
    Of adults too afraid to remember.

    • Caroline permalink
      May 13, 2010 7:50 pm

      Wow that was dark and creepy! The hair on the back of my neck is standing up! Well done!

    • May 13, 2010 8:28 pm

      i love your pieces about Grim, Danielle, you’ve fully fluffed him out into a three dimensional person and i’m starting to believe that a boy like him does exist. :]
      keep up the awesome writing!

    • May 13, 2010 9:21 pm

      I love these. I’m with Alix-wa…I absolutely adore everything you write about Grim. You do creepy so well and you do such a great job in all your pieces at making him very three-dimensional. One of the things I really like in these bits is the repetition. I think it adds a great level of…un-nerving-ness, maybe? I can’t describe what I’m thinking, but the repetitions add a great level of something to these.

      I wish I could describe that better. lol 🙂

      • May 14, 2010 5:08 pm

        Woah, both pieces, just… absolutely AMAZING!!! The descriptions, just everything! I especially love the first one, and I can’t find a favorite part, but this comes close:
        “He’s there like a whisper
        Like a kiss in the wind
        Like the sound of a mother’s voice

        He does not choose your death
        He does not choose sides
        He does not choose this

        Yet, He is feared
        He is fought
        He is hated”

        Just, amazing!!!

    • May 15, 2010 1:49 am

      Wow! Thanks everyone! I love Grim, too. Sadly, I’m not sure how to make his story complete. I feel like there’s no point to his tale and after 25K I’m certain I should know where he’s going. But I don’t. 😦

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 19, 2010 5:00 pm

      Wow… these are so powerful, Danielle. Really, really love them.

      It’s hard to choose favorites, but if I had to, I’d pick;

      He’s there like a whisper
      Like a kiss in the wind
      Like the sound of a mother’s voice

      (almost think this might be stronger if you remove the word “like” in front of those last two lines, but that’s a small thing!)

      and this;

      Now collecting dust in the attic
      Long forgotten
      And trapped
      Inside the memories
      Of adults too afraid to remember.

      That is some intense stuff (and I’m assuming maybe a character study for Grim?).

      Great job, Sweets!

      MZ

  15. May 13, 2010 6:30 pm

    Woooo TNW and birthdays! Happy birthday, people that Michelle wished happy birthday too! 🙂

    Anyway…here’s the beginning of one of the three projects I’m currently working on.

    ——————–

    Chloe Walker knew she should be doing something productive. There was a long list of activities her father preferred she do—and by preferred, he meant required unless she was ill or dead. Chloe ticked them off in her head: cleaning, homework, helping with dinner, making shopping lists, doing laundry or ironing, bonding with Lisa (her father’s current girlfriend) and/or Lisa’s daughter Alethea. Chloe was positive that lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling was not going to be considered acceptable. When her father came home from work, he’d probably be upset or just downright pissed. But Chloe didn’t really feel like doing any of the preferred activities this afternoon, least of all bonding with Lisa and Alethea.

    Right on cue, Alethea skittered into the bedroom she shared with Chloe. Chloe rolled her eyes at the ceiling as her tiny, redhead roommate buzzed around the room for a few moments. Chloe waited until Alethea sat down on her own bed and opened a textbook. Only then did Chloe prop herself up on an elbow and acknowledge Alethea’s presence.

    “Did you only just get home?” Chloe asked. She realized she might sound slightly more snippish than necessary, but she did nothing to change her tone of voice. She had known Alethea forever. Lisa and Chloe’s father had had an off-and-on relationship for years. They’d date for a while, and while they dated, Lisa and Alethea would live with Chloe and her father. Then something would happen and one or the other would move away. Chloe’s father would date a few more ladies, presumably get bored, and somehow there’d be Lisa. And then Chloe would be stuck rooming with Alethea once again. It was a very obnoxious, on-going cycle. Lisa and Chloe’s dad had only recently started up the relationship again and Chloe hadn’t quite re-adjusted to Alethea’s presence yet. It had been just about a year.

    “Cheerleading,” Alethea muttered in response, without looking up from her Algebra textbook.

    With great effort, Chloe resisted snorting. She still found it unbelievably strange that Alethea was a cheerleader. Quiet Alethea, who rarely seemed to talk and who kept great distance from Chloe. There was something simply not right about the idea that Alethea would get up in front of tons of people and jump around and smile and yell. This was a new thing, this cheerleading. This was something that had come about in the year and half between relationships for Lisa and Mr. Walker. Chloe had almost died when she’d found out, that’s just how hard she was trying not to say something. She figured she must have had an obnoxious expression on her face, though, because her father had given her a very dirty look and then taken her aside for a lecture on manners.

    • May 13, 2010 6:46 pm

      Erin- I like this introduction to Chloe and her current situation. Would be nice to know if Alethea is younger or older or the same age as Chloe. For some reason I made Alethea younger in my head. I don’t know why. The parents are a bit nutty. Moving in and out all of the time. Geesh. Poor kids. =)

      ~Danielle~

      • May 13, 2010 9:23 pm

        Oooh, yeah…I should really explain that earlier. haha They’re the same age, it’s just Alethea’s really good at folding into herself (which is more apparent later, I think). And nutty doesn’t even begin to describe these parents, but…I’m not going to go into that. These two girls haven’t even figured that out yet where I’m at in the draft. 😉

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 19, 2010 4:58 pm

      I really like the unique family dynamic here. Definitely not something you see every day!

      I also like the cheerleading angle and the fact that Alethea defies Chloe’s understanding of her. Way to break the cliches!

      But my favorite is probably how you express Chloe’s feelings about the situation in a voice that feels true to her age and situation. Love this;

      With great effort, Chloe resisted snorting. She still found it unbelievably strange that Alethea was a cheerleader. Quiet Alethea, who rarely seemed to talk and who kept great distance from Chloe. There was something simply not right about the idea that Alethea would get up in front of tons of people and jump around and smile and yell. This was a new thing, this cheerleading. This was something that had come about in the year and half between relationships for Lisa and Mr. Walker. Chloe had almost died when she’d found out, that’s just how hard she was trying not to say something. She figured she must have had an obnoxious expression on her face, though, because her father had given her a very dirty look and then taken her aside for a lecture on manners.

      Nice! Interested to see where you’re going with this, hon!

      MZ

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