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Thursday Night Write – Open Mic

May 20, 2010

I hope you guys don’t mind, but I’m going to do another Open Mic this week instead of a prompt.

I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to find you an inspiring pic!

I did finally catch up on all of the entries from last week, so if I hadn’t replied to yours, check now. It should be there!

Rules are simple; post your excerpt of no more than 300 words for comment, and comment at least one other post. See? That was easy!

In other news, the podcast I did with Kenneth and Rebekah last Saturday night was a resounding success. We had a great time chatting it up about all kinds of things, and due to popular demand, we will be making it a weekly event. Please find me on Blogtalkradio and list our podcast, Burn After Listening, as a Favorite. The show will be live every Saturday night at 11pm EST, but you can also listen to it afterward as an archive. This Saturday’s show is themed All Things Disgusting, Disturbing, or Inappropriate. I’ll be asking for subject suggestions on Facebook!

We already have a few, believe me! 😀

Hope you guys are well… Mwah!

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61 Comments leave one →
  1. May 21, 2010 5:16 pm

    Oh, excellent! I thought I’d have to skip this week since I’m on vacay, but here’s another excerpt from the YA. (Mirbe is seeing her older brother, who killed her mother. Tristin narrates.) Enjoy! 🙂

    Tristin–

    “Maribelle,” I whispered. All three reacted like they had been shocked. Mirbe’s eyes found my with an almost desperate hope. I didn’t unfurl my power—I threw it out. It swirled around the room, and I saw the moment she absorbed it. Her eyes dilated slightly and her breath hissed from her in a sharp exhale.

    “Ah, and the prince makes his appearance,” Darren said, malicious glee in his voice. “Tristin, please, join us.”

    I hated that coming into the room would seem like I was obeying his orders.

    “What are you doing here, Darren?” I asked, my voice tight and low.

    “Why, coming to see my sister. I have that right, prince.”

    I reached her side, acutely aware of her trembling. It was there, barely noticeable—she was doing an excellent job of presenting a controlled, unruffled demeanor. I turned to her, nodding at Gil. It was unusual, this sudden trust I had in him. But for the moment, I was able to set my distaste for the dark demi-prince aside and know that he would not stand against her when she faced her brother.

    “What do you need?” I asked her lowly, my voice urgent.

    “Don’t leave me with him,” she whispered, and her voice was that of a child, filled with fear and despair. My anger rose to meet her emotions—emotions I knew he was enhancing, even if she felt the fear initially.

    I finally turned to face the Dark Prince.

    Darren eyed me, a twisted smile turning his lips. Even here, aware as I was of her and the fear she felt, I could not deny he was enticing. He was a dark mirror of Finlyn—her pale beauty turned dark and black and twisted.

    “What do you want?” I asked, cutting past all of the false pleasantries—the Dark Prince had no need of them.

    He smiled, pleased. “Sloane requires the Dark Lady to attend him.”

  2. mak...XD permalink
    May 21, 2010 4:17 pm

    Lay your heart
    Next to mine,
    My love.
    Let me rest my hand
    On your chest.
    Let me listen to your
    Heart’s steady beat
    Our hearts in time,
    Our hearts in rhythm,
    Our hearts made as one.

    This love was meant
    For more that what it is
    It was meant for
    Completion.
    Completion of two unknown
    People,
    To find each other,
    To yearn for each other,
    To love each other.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    sry if you don’t understand it at first… picture it in your mind as a couple…. comments and critiquing plzzzzz thanxxx

  3. Shannon Hamling permalink
    May 21, 2010 11:21 am

    a poem I wrote a long time ago please comment and critique….it’s called “Die, Dreams, Die” =]

    I’m writing for my life

    But with no where to go

    I’m living for a chance

    But I’ve passed it up

    Unwillingly cutting hope

    Crying while I slash my dreams

    It’s weird how you think you want

    Then want becomes a dream

    Then dreams deplete

    You feel incomplete

    Then you ask “What if?”

    But it’s far too late

    A seconds in the past

    Even though it still hurts

    I’m trying to hold on

    But there went a dream

    Quietly slit and left to bleed

    They hit a major artery

    Another failed surgery

    No time to sew the seams

    Die, Dreams, Die

    Is easier to say

    When each glimmer passes by

    Not strong enough to fly

    But not bold enough to cry

    Caught up between “will” and “why”

    It’s crazy the lies you find

    It’s ridiculous the gulibility

    When desperation sets in

    You’d do almost anything

    But you seem to never win

    Die, Dream, DIE

    • May 22, 2010 6:47 pm

      Oh, my gosh, this was absolutely amazing! I can’t quit say what it is, i’m not very helpful, but this…. is just, WOAH. Amazing!!!! 😄

      • Shannon Hamling permalink
        May 23, 2010 6:01 pm

        Thank you so much Meagan!…=]]

  4. May 21, 2010 12:38 am

    Alright, I’m continuing the saga about Andrick and Venetia. For a recap, Venetia found an amulet that is actual a portal that opens up the Realm of Otherness. With the help of Andrick and a couple of time travelers, Reviva and Cadman, Venetia has to protect the amulet from the evil Arachne. Thanks for reading!

    EXT. FOREST CLIFF. EVENING. 1886.

    VENETIA (seventeen with long, brown hair, golden brown eyes, and a brown school girl’s clothes with torn stockings) and ANDRICK (eighteen with dark, curly hair, green eyes, and wearing a slightly unbuttoned oxford, and relaxed brown pants) run from a group of HENCHMEN (men with monstrous qualities wearing long, brown hooded robes). CADMON (a good looking man in his late twenties with short red hair, green eyes, and upscale casual wear) appears behnind the henchmen.

    CADMON:
    Hey, you cowardly hinds!
    I’ve got the amulet!
    Come get me!

    The henchmen chase after Cadmon. Andrick and Venetia keep running. They reach a cliff and they stop.

    ARACHNE (O.S.)
    This man does not have
    the amulet! Go find the
    girl!

    VENETIA:
    This is it. We are
    truly doomed!

    ANDRICK:
    I’m not letting you
    give up that easily.
    Listen, do you trust me?

    VENETIA:
    (beat)
    I suppose…

    ANDRICK:
    Take my hand!

    VENETIA:
    Why? What did you-

    ANDRICK:
    You said you trusted me!

    Venetia reluctantly takes his hand. The henchmen are getting close. Andrick runs towards the cliff, and Venetia is scared about many possibilities of this going wrong. Andrick and Venetia jump off the cliff. The henchmen arrive at the cliff and see nothing.

    HENCHMAN 1:
    They must’ve gone this way!

    They run off screen. Andrick and Venetia emerge from the water together.

    VENETIA:
    (quietly)
    Do you think it’s safe yet?

    ANDRICK:
    I’ll go check.

    As Andrick leaves the water, Venetia notices that the white shirt he is wearing has become transparent because of the water. Venetia blushes. She then becomes aware of her own shirt and covers up her shirt with her jacket.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 10:10 am

      Enjoyed the jumping off the cliff part of this scene immensely, especially the part after about the transparent clothing. It added a nice bit of personality to the action!

      Thanks again for sharing your screenplays, Dana!

      MZ

      • May 22, 2010 9:16 pm

        Aw, I’m so glad you enjoyed that! I like to sometimes break up my action with a little humor so it’s more of a roller coaster plot line. Did you catch the Shakespearean reference in one of the lines? 🙂
        ~*Dana*~

  5. May 20, 2010 11:50 pm

    Another bit from the same WIP I shared last week. 🙂

    ———

    The rest of the apartment smelled strongly of pizza. Chloe dragged her feet the entire way across the apartment to the kitchen, where Lisa stood at one of the counters assembling a salad. With as much dignity as she could muster, which wasn’t much, Chloe lifted herself up to sit on an unoccupied counter. She snatched a carrot stick from the counter and began nibbling on it.

    “Did you have a good day at school?” Lisa asked, smiling.

    Chloe shrugged and stared at her knees. “It was fine, I guess. Nothing out of the ordinary. Ever.”

    “Would you like to help me with dinner?”

    “Sure, why not.” Chloe slid off the counter again, fixed her skirt, and put the carrot on a napkin near where she’d been sitting. “What do you need?”

    “If you could take the pizza out of the oven and give it another sprinkle of cheese, that would be perfect,” Lisa said, motioning with a pairing knife toward a small bowl of shredded cheese sitting near the refrigerator.

    Without saying another word, Chloe slid a pair of oven mitts onto her hands, leaned down, and pulled the pizza out of the oven. For all of her downfalls, Lisa was certainly good at making pizza. And, in Chloe’s opinion, Lisa had plenty of downfalls. Her perkiness was definitely high on the list, right next to the fact that she always seemed to try too hard to be part of Chloe’s life when Chloe so didn’t want her there. It wasn’t that Lisa was a bad person or wasn’t nice or anything like that. She was plenty nice, even if she was obnoxiously involved in everything. It was more the fact that she was clearly trying to be a mother figure to Chloe, which Chloe’s father only too enthusiastically encouraged. This was the worst part, because Chloe couldn’t even remember her real mother. All she knew was what her father had told her many years ago before he’d stopped talking about her altogether—Chloe’s mother had died tragically in a hit-and-run accident. That’s all he would say. And the accident was also the explanation for why Mr. Walker was so protective and, well, strict.

    “I just don’t want to lose my little girl,” he’d say tearfully whenever Chloe complained.

    Chloe shook her head to clear it and return to the present. She was still holding the pizza, so she put it carefully down on the stovetop and turned to grab the bowl of cheese, only to find Lisa staring at her in a concerned manner.

    “Dear, are you alright? What’s on your mind?”

    “Nothing. I’m fine,” Chloe answered with determination. She turned her attention to the pizza and concentrated instead on making it extra cheesy, just the way she liked it.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 10:08 am

      Like the dynamic between Lisa dn Chloe here. It defies the stereotype of the wicked stepmother. I also like how you give us a window into Chloe’s feelings;

      For all of her downfalls, Lisa was certainly good at making pizza. And, in Chloe’s opinion, Lisa had plenty of downfalls. Her perkiness was definitely high on the list, right next to the fact that she always seemed to try too hard to be part of Chloe’s life when Chloe so didn’t want her there. It wasn’t that Lisa was a bad person or wasn’t nice or anything like that. She was plenty nice, even if she was obnoxiously involved in everything. It was more the fact that she was clearly trying to be a mother figure to Chloe, which Chloe’s father only too enthusiastically encouraged. This was the worst part, because Chloe couldn’t even remember her real mother.

      These insights are insightful, well-described and true to an intelligent girl of Chloe’s age ( I hate it when teenage girls are portrayed as insipid because most of the ones I know AREN’T).

      Nicely done, hon!

      MZ

    • Shannon Hamling permalink
      May 21, 2010 11:30 am

      I really just love Chloe and your writing!!

  6. May 20, 2010 10:20 pm

    A little snippet from Red Herring, a YA contemporary mystery.

    ___________________________
    Cherry settles into the driver’s seat and pops the key in the ignition. The ancient engine roars to life, crackling the previously quiet night like a whip. She turns to me, her eyes dancing with life. “Let’s have a little fun.”

    I reach over and fumble around in the dark for the radio knob, cranking up the volume. I can feel the vibrations of the music’s bass line thrashing through me. Beauty. “Aw, yeah!” I holler.

    She guns the accelerator and we shoot forward down the street. I lose all sensation of time and place as we zoom forward, fast. Cherry’s hand is groping the air beside me, and then she clutches the neck of the bottle, taking it from me. She tries to bring it up to her lips, misses, and then finally tips it back, sloshing some down her shirt front.

    Suddenly I notice the temperature. It’s stifling in the car. I roll down my window.

    Cherry laughs, then lobs the bottle out my window, nearly catching my face with it in the process. I mumble out a muffled exclamation of indignation. She simply lets out a whoop of exhilaration in response.

    Because that’s exactly how this feels: exhilarating.

    • May 20, 2010 11:54 pm

      I really like this! I think it feels very in-the-moment, if that makes sense. You put the reader right there with the characters and the way you narrate this is great. The language is almost idealistic…it sets up this perfect scene that it feels like it can’t stay this perfect forever. Love it! 🙂

      • May 21, 2010 11:05 pm

        Aww, thank you for all the kind words! 🙂

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:44 am

      First of all, let me just say that I have had a secret love of the name Cherry since I read The Outsiders in middle school.

      Just sayin’. 😀

      I love the personality in your characters here. This part made me smile;

      She turns to me, her eyes dancing with life. “Let’s have a little fun.”

      It’s so simple yet paints such a vivid picture. With these few words, I already know a whole lot about Cherry. This is the best kind of writing.

      Great job, hon! Looking forward to reading more of your work.

      MZ

      • May 21, 2010 11:05 pm

        Haha, in RED HERRING, it’s a nickname for “Cherish”.

        Thank you for the kind words! 🙂

  7. Indigo permalink
    May 20, 2010 9:40 pm

    Hello everyone! Here’s just something small I pieced together to try and get my creative juices flowing. Comments and constructive criticism are welcome. Enjoy!

    Lift up that dyed hair
    highlighted till it drips
    the pains of death

    Move your hips to the side
    jutting out of your skeleton
    skin pulled tight, smooth
    belly flat and pierced
    with a butterfly

    fake boobs,
    lifted
    molded
    all cloth and imagination
    where do you go from here?

    Your plastic face marked
    with the irremovable marks
    of a partier
    a binger
    a girl hooked on the falseness
    of “womanhood”

    Look in the mirror, my sweet
    see the face looking back
    incessant wrinkles
    blue eyeshadow
    red lips
    eyes dead and gone
    pulling from the puppet body
    moving on strings

    Look in the mirror, my dear
    this is you
    your body
    your mind
    a “woman” in your imagination
    a sad girl in reality

    • AutumnBreeze permalink
      May 20, 2010 10:40 pm

      I love this poem! I think it is sad that today girls feel like they have to remake themselves into what society describes as beauty. Awesome job!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:40 am

      I really love this poem and the message behind it. This is my favorite part;

      Move your hips to the side
      jutting out of your skeleton
      skin pulled tight, smooth
      belly flat and pierced
      with a butterfly

      So vivid! The little detail of the butterfly makes all the difference. Being able to create such a complete picture with so few words is a gift.

      Great job, hon!

      MZ

      • May 23, 2010 5:53 pm

        I agree with every word that Michelle and Autumn said. Your writing is so powerful, so descriptive. Your so talented, wonderful job!

  8. FlaglineGeek permalink
    May 20, 2010 9:17 pm

    I scamper through the trees until I reach the bottom of the castle steps. Slowly I creep up the steps, one by one. I make sure not to rustle a leaf or disturb a patch of snow. I can feel the danger intensifying, as if danger is a tangible thing. When I reach the top step, emotion overwhelms me. The two guards lay side by side, arrows sticking out of bloody holes. I quickly look away from the dead, cold faces. I did that. Those bodies. I take a breath. My breathing is unsteady. Revenge–that’s why I did that. Fear, too.
    I reach to try the door. Then I remember, it’s probably locked or enchanted.
    Keeping my hand inches away from the handle, I use a powerful spell to remove all previous enchantments. The handle hisses and sparks, flames sprouting as it melts into hot, liquid silver. My eyes widen. I realize the true danger of my attack. My hand would be burning if I touched that.
    I lean against the door, pushing it open with all my strength. The door creaks open. I look around, anxious, afraid.
    Once inside, I scan my surroundings. I know this castle. The ceremony will be taking place inside the grand ballroom, to the right of the grand entrance hall.
    I slowly cross the grand hall, looking in every direction for a waiting guard. Two additional guards stand in front of the grand ballroom. They squint. Each of them has an odd expression on his face. I realize all they see is a floating bow, satchel of arrows, and sword. Before they have time to react, I fire two incapacitating spells. Better than what I did to the other guards.

    • May 20, 2010 10:21 pm

      Ooh, sounds like a very intense, charged scene! Is this an excerpt from a short story or novel or something of that sort?

      • FlaglineGeek permalink
        May 21, 2010 3:14 pm

        Thank you! This is an excerpt from what could be a novel. It’s actually near what I think is the ending. I have a broad idea of a story with this character and world. I’ve written the entire chapter including this scene and another which I know have to in the story somehow.

    • May 20, 2010 11:56 pm

      Wonderful tension. I really like your descriptions of the surroundings. You do a great job of putting us in the world you’re creating.

      • FlaglineGeek permalink
        May 21, 2010 3:11 pm

        Thanks so much!

    • Miss Extreme permalink
      May 21, 2010 8:14 am

      It’s creepy, intense, and slightly badass.
      I enjoyed every word of it 🙂

      • FlaglineGeek permalink
        May 21, 2010 3:10 pm

        Thank you so much. Loved yours too.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:38 am

      Wow! So much detail in this! Love your description of your narrators approach to the castle and the detail with which you describe it once she’s inside.

      This is awesome;

      Two additional guards stand in front of the grand ballroom. They squint. Each of them has an odd expression on his face. I realize all they see is a floating bow, satchel of arrows, and sword.

      She’s invisible!!!
      😀

      Nice job, hon! Hope you come back to share more!

      MZ

      • FlaglineGeek permalink
        May 21, 2010 3:24 pm

        Thank you so much! I realized her invisibility is confusing because you don’t realize it until the very end of this excerpt. She used her magic to turn herself invisible right before this scene, but I liked the excerpt better this way.

  9. May 20, 2010 9:12 pm

    written may eighteenth, after i got home from one wonderfully spectacular, absolutely brilliant night! 😀
    hope you all like this piece, i sure do!

    ———————-

    hey,
    it’s been a while, and i’ve really missed you. a lot. more than seems humanly possible to bare. and you know what?
    i was wrong.

    i was wrong when i had said that these feelings would fade like the colours of the autumn leaves when the first frost strikes. i was wrong when i had said that if i tried, i could forget boring, unoriginal you in just one single heartbeat. i was wrong when i had said that once this ridiculous dream was over, i could go back to living in my perfect reality.

    instead, these feelings only blossomed, as the icy coldness of it all melted away and i was left in a clarity that showed me that spring was really here, for good. instead, as hard as i may have tried, i never did forget about you, you of the wild chestnut hair and those eyes that make me melt. you danced in my thoughts and played tricks on my once sane mind and you affected my writing in a positive manner, as i learn new words and synonyms in an attempt to describe you on paper. instead of my dream ending and never remembering it, i decided that i wanted more than a mere, carefree wish on the daydreamings of a hormonal teenage girl, so i made it my reality.

    and because of this, i felt drawn to you as if i were under your spell, you pied piper, you. you had charmed your way into my heart, something that i never would have thought possible.
    so maybe it was for the better, that you, you of the dark hooded sweaters and black skate shoes and a freshly-showered smell, that you were right.

    that for once, just once, i was glad i was
    WRONG.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:34 am

      This makes me smile, Alix! It’s so… YOU. So real and honest and raw in every good way.

      Especially loved this;

      you danced in my thoughts and played tricks on my once sane mind and you affected my writing in a positive manner, as i learn new words and synonyms in an attempt to describe you on paper.

      Such a great description of the ways people move and change us, even in their absence.

      Always love your work, Sweets!

      MZ

      • May 21, 2010 5:38 pm

        thanks again michelle! :3
        i had started writing a letter to this, well, boy, and i had a writers block. of course, the only way to cure that is time, that and to get out and find some inspiration! the good thing is that my inspiration lives at the end of my street and works next door to where i do so it was easy to make plans with him :p
        i find that he’s always able to alleviate my writer’s block and this piece proves that.

    • May 21, 2010 8:54 pm

      awww, boy sounds AWESOME. and your writing, as always, is fantastic. great work, darling.

      • May 23, 2010 12:55 pm

        thanks nazarea!
        you’re quite good yourself, and yeah, this boy is really gosh darn awesome :]

  10. Miss Extreme permalink
    May 20, 2010 9:02 pm

    “Tell me where to find you.” I pleaded.
    “No. It’s already too dangerous. I’m not risking both of our lives.” his voice was quiet and firm.
    “Joseph. You know you can’t do it alone.” I stood my ground also. I was not going to give in that easily.
    He took a step closer to me, “Angelica-”
    “Tell me where you’ll be so I can find you.” I hummed through my teeth. I knew what he would say next: “I don’t want you to get hurt.” And all I could think about would he himself being hurt. I couldn’t handle that, and we’re not even together. Yet. I reminded myself, ignoring the memory of Joseph kissing Cassandra outside the pizza parlor flashing in my head.
    “Angelica,” he repeated, “You have a mission here.”
    “We have a mission together.” I replied.
    “You’re not going.” he walked up to me, our bodies inches apart. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body and brushing against my icy skin. I lifted my head to reach his gaze. I forgot all of my worries, all about our mission, about Cassandra, about everything, when he pressed his lips forcefully against mine. After a few long seconds that I lost count of, I no longer felt his warmth against me. I felt cold wind encircling me and the sound of Joseph’s voice whispering, “Finish your mission, and get away from here.”
    And he was gone. Gone.
    All to do now would be to finish my mission, and find him. That would be my ultimate mission.
    I closed my eyes, imagined the old cemetery near my house and felt the whirlwind of cold air engulf me. And I was gone.

    • FlaglineGeek permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:27 pm

      This intrigues me so much. I want to know what they are, want specific powers do they have.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:31 am

      Love the interaction between these two characters! I always like to see strong female characters, and I like that Angelica stands her ground.

      I also really loved this little piece of description;

      “You’re not going.” he walked up to me, our bodies inches apart. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body and brushing against my icy skin.

      Simple but effective.

      Nicely done, hon!

      MZ

  11. May 20, 2010 6:21 pm

    Hey guys, hope everyone is having a good week 🙂 I couldn’t decide what to post, so I’m going to post two, if that’s alright with yall. (They are only 218 words combined) Enjoy, and any comments are welcome!

    5-18-10

    Show them only resistnace.
    From the begining to the very last instant.

    Do whatever it may take,
    And your soul, don’t let them break.

    Push aside your fears.
    Swipe away them tears.

    Kid, your gunna make it through.
    No matter the hard times
    That will no doubt make you blue,
    Or the people who will keep you in binds
    By using words full of hate.
    I hope you don’t figure this out too late.

    So do whatever it may take,
    And your heart, don’t let them break.

    Show them only resistance.
    From the begining to the very last instant.

    2-6-10
    Wishful Thinking

    I have had an epiphany,
    And if a genni
    Were to ask me,
    “In all the world, what do you want to be?”

    I found out today.
    That I would say
    “I wish to be fearless.”
    And I don’t think I would regret this.

    I don’t mean a fearlessness
    Full of pure fool-hearty,
    For my practical mind I would miss.
    I mean to talk to someone new at a party:
    Not to be shy,
    Or petrified of heights, afraid to fly.

    Not to be afraid of the dark,
    Or terrified to parrallel park.
    Faint from nausiea with a needle in my vain.
    Or disgusted by a spider, all the same.

    I don’t want to be afraid.

    • Indigo permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:32 pm

      Meagan, you astound me with your poetic talent! I love the emotion in the first one. It’s so touching and moving, plus it almost reminds me of a song or rap or something. And the second one, I completely relate to. There are so many instances where it would be nice to just not be afraid, like your poem says. Thanks for sharing!

    • Caroline permalink
      May 21, 2010 7:22 am

      I swear I love all your writing, I really like your poems the seem I don’t no, just incredible!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:27 am

      Megan…. I love your poems! These are powerful because I know they come from the heart. They have soul, and that is something you can’t fake.

      The piece that stands out the most for me is this;

      I mean to talk to someone new at a party:
      Not to be shy,
      Or petrified of heights, afraid to fly.

      Not to be afraid of the dark,
      Or terrified to parallel park.
      Faint from nausea with a needle in my vain.
      Or disgusted by a spider, all the same.

      I don’t want to be afraid.

      You speak so simply and eloquently to the little fears that unite us in our humanity.

      Wonderful, hon!

      MZ

      • May 23, 2010 5:48 pm

        Indigo, Caroline, and Michelle, thank yall so very much!!!

  12. May 20, 2010 6:19 pm

    The flames on the candles quivered as two doors appeared on the wall, both black as the night with a grey mist billowing around the door. Kaiden, looking confident, led Ensley over to the doors. First, he examined the door on the left and Ensley immediately noticed the writing carved into the door. It was an excerpt from a poem by Robert Frost: In a Disguised Graveyard. Ensley wasn’t a huge fan of poetry, but all angels were required to memorize the entire poem because it was a demon’s way of saying, “This belongs to the demons. Come close and you will not come back alive.”
    To a mortal, the word ‘alive’ means living, but to Ensley, it meant the way one is at the current state because there are many forms of living; humans are just too blind to see them all clearly.
    Kaiden tilted his head, trying to decipher the hieroglyphics. Eventually, he gave up and his hand jetted out to the door knob and Ensley had barely enough time to smack it away. She shook her head, staying silent.
    Pointing to the door on their right, she grabbed his arm and made him follow. Before Ensley could get close enough to touch the door, the male was behind her and was holding her with his icy hands.
    “No cheating,” He hissed and threw Ensley through the door on the left.
    Wind whooshed around her as she plummeted to the Night Realm; the place where demons lived. In the darkness, there was a light from the still open door. Ensley hoped Kaiden had gotten through the door on the right, but was proven wrong when he called her name and jumped after her.
    Ensley knew Kaiden meant well, but he was just going to get himself killed as well.

    • FlaglineGeek permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:20 pm

      I love this. The descriptions, the poetry reference, the way Ensley sees the word “alive”.

    • Indigo permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:33 pm

      I agree with FlaglineGeek! I totally want to know more, the poetry reference was awesome, and it was interesting to rea Ensley’s view on “alive”. Great job!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:24 am

      Wow… there are some very cool things going on here, Elly! I love the idea of the marking on the door and the reference to Frost’s poem, especially this;

      Ensley wasn’t a huge fan of poetry, but all angels were required to memorize the entire poem because it was a demon’s way of saying, “This belongs to the demons. Come close and you will not come back alive.”

      So interesting! Also love your mention of the Night Realm…

      Nicely done, Sweets!

      MZ

  13. Ayla permalink
    May 20, 2010 5:48 pm

    Ok. Heres my excerpt. I’m pretty sure I have posted it before, but I made some tweaks.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Dear Diary,
    I lay at the end of my bed, waiting. I do not know what I was waiting for, I am just waiting. I have been sitting here for months. I know something is after me. Though nobody has told me, I just know that something or someone is after me. I can feel it. Leila, the servant, just came in with my supper. I must go.
    -Eyla

    Leila placed the food on my end table and waited to be dismissed. Then, for the first time in nine months and eleven days, I talked.
    “Leila? Something is after me.” I said to the fourteen year old maid. I could tell she was surprised by me speaking.
    “How do you know that something is after you, mistress?” she replied with a shocked face.
    “I’m not exactly sure Leila. The only reason that I have been sitting here for the past nine months is because I’m afraid that if I get up, it will get me and possibly kill me.”
    “It has been eleven months mistress. You missed your birthday.”
    “How old am I?”
    “You are seventeen. I must be getting back to work now, Eyla, your sisters need their supper also.” She said. I made a dismissing hand signal without talking. I am the eldest of all my four sisters. My parents died two years ago in an accident. One of the horses, pulling the carriage my parents were in, freaked out and ran into a river. Now all I have left are my sisters and Leila.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Thanks!

    (P.S. Michelle. I have a really good idea for your podcast Saturday. I don’t have a facebook so I’ll twitter you it, k? And I will definately be listening in Saturday, since I didn’t get to last Saturday. Well, I’ll listen if I can convince my mom to let me stay up that late. 😀 )

    Ummm…. im not good with time zones. I’ll have to ask my dad. (heehee)

    • May 20, 2010 6:24 pm

      I reeeeally like this! Theres just something about it, that pulls you in, yells for your attention. I would really like to read more, to know if something is really after her, and if so, what. Really great job

    • Miss Extreme permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:09 pm

      I really enjoyed reading this! It seems intense and interesting. I’m sure the rest will be just as intriguing!

    • FlaglineGeek permalink
      May 20, 2010 9:25 pm

      I really like this. It makes me want to know more. I wonder what is after her. It pulls me in.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:21 am

      Interesting premise, Ayla! I like the idea that she hasn’t spoken in so long. It definitely make me wonder what happened to cause her to remain silent… Also, curious to find out what’s following her.

      Looking forward to seeing where you go with this (if you decide to post more of it later), hon!

      And I’m always up for ideas for the podcast! I think you can private message me on the Prophecy board, too, but Twitter DM is fine as well. If you need help with the time zone, just let me know. If you can’t listen to it live, you can listen to it later because all the episodes are archived (you can listen to last weeks now if you want!).

      MZ

  14. May 20, 2010 5:32 pm

    A random snippit from my WIP which I’m currently editing. 🙂
    ____________________________________

    “Well, I’m sad to report that nothing interesting has happened. Aunt Mary pulled me out of bed at exactly eight and we spent the day cleaning and cooking for your arrival. That’s it,” I explained with a chuckle. She grinned.

    “She has you cleaning?” she asked skeptically, widening her eyes for good measure. “Pennsylvania sounds like it’s doing wonders for you.”

    I bit down on my bottom lip. I didn’t know how to answer that. To be honest, it was a rollercoaster of emotions up here. I was happy one minute, scared the next, and angry in hours following. It was so draining. And Pennsylvania certainly wasn’t fixing the entire reason I was sent up here in the first place- the creatures. So what should I make of it?

    I don’t have a clue.

    She must’ve seen the distraught look on my face because she sighed and reached over to pat my hand lovingly.

    “Is it getting any better, Polly? Do you still see … whatever you were seeing?” she asked.

    I gulped. This was a tough one. If I told her no, I’d be lying, and I had resolved back in the hospital before I came here that’d I never keep her in the dark again. But if I told her yes, it’d just open doors for a whole different world of trouble for me. I knew my mom. She loved me and she wanted what was best for me. But I knew it wasn’t past her to think that a mental institution was the right solution.

    And there was no way in hell that I’d willingly go down that road.

    • May 20, 2010 5:41 pm

      I really like this! I want to know what the creatures are, and what causes them. 🙂 Really well written, I can’t wait to read more

    • May 20, 2010 9:16 pm

      same here, i’m drawn into this story and i certainly would like to know what those creatures are. good job! =3

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:15 am

      Very intriguing, Katie. I like how you drop us right into this scene and just hint at the backstory.

      Especially like this;

      I bit down on my bottom lip. I didn’t know how to answer that. To be honest, it was a rollercoaster of emotions up here. I was happy one minute, scared the next, and angry in hours following. It was so draining. And Pennsylvania certainly wasn’t fixing the entire reason I was sent up here in the first place- the creatures.

      The little gestures like her biting her lip make it easy to picture the scene in my head, and you describe her mercurial emotions beautifully.

      Nice job, hon!

      MZ

    • FlaglineGeek permalink
      May 21, 2010 3:33 pm

      I really like this. I want to know what the creatures are, and I like seeing the narrator’s thought process about what to tell her mother. It sounds so real.

  15. Caroline permalink
    May 20, 2010 5:18 pm

    Yeah I’m one of the first people to post! Okay so this is a snippet of the book I’ve been working on! 🙂 Enjoy!

    Only Madi,me, and five others walked over to Carter! “Hey Carter!” I smiled she nodded. “Okay then, so what house do you guys want?” I let everyone pick before me, the last house was an old, white, big house.
    I fell in love with it! Madi’s house was right next to mine! “Hey James, do you know anything about flowers being sent to my room?” She very curious! “No I don’t. Sorry!” I looked into her dark pool eyes in a Trans.
    I walked over to my new house, and opened the door. I laughed this was a big house! I ran back to my hotel room and backed my bags and got the dogs.
    We had moved into that house in five minutes! I sat down looking at the beautiful grass, and I sighed. I started thinking about my dad, he had died early that year, and CJ was his dog not mine. I started to cry, and I thought about his last words to me, “Take good care of CJ, then you will have a piece of me every day! I love you son.” And then he died.
    I needed to get outside and get him off my mine. I decided to go for a run on the track. So I did I changed into my running clothes, gym shorts and my running sneakers.
    I opened the door and let the dogs out, I walked out to the track and started running, and I thought and thought about my parents. After my dad died I never talked to my mom! I knew that I needed to see her.
    I finished running after the three mile mark! I Looked around and saw a friend of mine! I walked over and said, “Natalie, the one and only!” She turned around, her mouth open. “James, I can’t believe it! Hey have you met my sister?” I looked around and noticed a blonde girl walking over.
    I realized I only had shorts and sneakers on! “No I don’t think I’ve met her!” The girl sat down next to Natalie “Who’s this sis?” I laughed, “I’m James, Nat’s neighbor.” I smiled and shook her hand. “Sorry for my appearance, I didn’t know I was meeting someone!”
    She laughed “It’s fine, I’m Bridgette!” I sighed, “Well it’s nice to meet you.” I looked at my black watch and noticed I needed to go back to my new house rental. “I need to get back to my… place” I was so tired! “Yeah that’s fine!” She stood up and walked away with Natalie.
    I called Jessie, Conner, and CJ. Red wouldn’t come! I saw her watching the the directors dog Ace

    • May 20, 2010 5:38 pm

      I like this Caroline. The characters are interseting, and you write very descriptively, but not overly detailed. Great job, keep it!

    • Ayla permalink
      May 20, 2010 5:50 pm

      I love it! I agree with meagan. Not overly detailed! 😀

      • Caroline permalink
        May 21, 2010 7:20 am

        Thanks! I really like getting comments because then I want to keep writing! Glad you guys like it. 🙂

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      May 21, 2010 9:12 am

      I like how you wrote this from a boy’s point of view! It’s a nice change and it’s always good to experiment with different voices. Plus, I can always count on you to include animals in your stories!
      😀

      Nice job, my love. Keep writing!

      Mommy

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