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Thursday Night Write with Rhonda Stapleton

March 18, 2010

Guess what, you guys? I have a surprise for youuuuuu!

It’s time for another edition of Open Mic on Thursday Night Write, and this week I’ve arranged to have another wonderful guest commentator.

But before I get to that I just want to remind everyone that I’ll be at Books of Wonder for the HUGE NYC Teen Author Festival signing on Sunday. Nearly 100 YA authors will be signing in shifts all day long. My shift is from 5:00pm-5:45pm. It’s going to be awesome, and Books of Wonder is an amazing bookstore that sells books exclusively for kids and teens. There are some incredible collectible books there as well (like an original, signed edition of Lord of the Rings) plus the famous Cupcake Cafe conveniently located IN the store.

Cupcakes AND books? What more could you ask for?!

I’ll have at least part of my teen posse with me, and I’d love to see you there, too!

😀

Rhonda Stapleton, author of Stupid Cupid and the recently released sequel, Flirting with Disaster, has agreed to read and comment your entries this week as our esteemed Guest Commentator. Following is the summary for the uber-cute Flirting with Disaster;

Seventeen-year-old Felicity believes in true love. That’s why she applies for an after-school gig at the matchmaking company Cupid’s Hollow. But when Felicity gets the job, she learns that she isn’t just a matchmaker…she’s a cupid! (There’s more than one of them, you know.) Armed with a hot pink, tricked-out PDA (infused with the latest in cupid magic—love arrows shot through email), Felicity works to meet her quota of successful matches.

Sounds fun, right? Rhonda is one of those people who makes you laugh pretty much every time you come in contact with her. She’s also incredibly generous and wonderfully talented, and I’m very appreciative that she’s agreed to comment all entries posted through Sunday.

Just remember the rules; no more than 300 words, and if you post something you have to comment at least one other entry.

I’m going to try and comment as well, but please be patient with me because my schedule’s currently packed with events and multiple deadlines. I’ll do my best, though, because I ❤ you guyssss!

😉

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67 Comments leave one →
  1. Ayla permalink
    March 23, 2010 7:50 pm

    Sorry I’m late! The internet has been down at my house.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I jumped in the van. With my hands trembling, I struggled to get the keys inside the ignition.
    “Work you stupid van, work!” I yelled with tears in my eyes. Everything I saw was tinted a dark red. I looked behind me for the ninth time. The man was getting closer. He wore a dark jacket and was holding a knife, on top of all that, he was covered in dirt and a substance that looked a lot like blood. The van suddenly roared to life. I stepped on the gas pedal and flew down the street. Looking in the rearview mirror, I saw he was running after me. Not just a jog, nor was it a sprint, but he was going as fast as the van!
    Suddenly, the steering wheel locked. Before I knew it I was upside down, screaming harder than you would believe possible. The man got closer and closer. I closed my eyes and and prayed like hell was attacking me. This suprised me, since I’m atheist. Yet I kept praying.
    I opened my eyes to see a man was standing right in front of me.
    “Oh my god!” I screamed.
    “Hey, hey, hey…” I heard someone say in a reasurring way,”I’m here to help you. Just stand still…”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thanks! Constructive feedback would be cool.

  2. March 22, 2010 10:31 am

    Hi, all! Thank you SOOOO much for sharing your work with me. Okay, here are my thoughts:

    Dana–I love, love, love the repetition in here. It really helps us feel like this is lyrical, due to the way the words flow and dance. I love how the things he most hates about her are the things he is most vulnerable about WITH her, in regards to his feelings. Very evocative. I love how we see his feelings change as his monologue goes on. Very nicely done!!

    Stella–This is awesome. Your descriptions are very vivid and unique. And I love how we feel like we are right inside the narrator’s head through the use of phrases and sensory details. I also like the repetition and the dark tone of the excerpt. This is super vivid and very eye-catching to me. Thanks for sharing it!

    Erin–Okay, this was so cute. I love the narrator’s perspective, and the characters are really fun and fresh. HAH, that girl sounds so obnoxious. Your characters feel very authentic to me, and I love their casual attitude (as well as how that poor guy has all these girls for friends–that’s exactly how it is! LOL). Very cute! 😀

    Indigo–What an incredibly vivid, evocative piece. I love the visual and concrete images in here. They paint this dark, yet strange and compelling picture for me that makes me want to read and reread to dig into the deeper meaning. I love how the tone is strong and eerie throughout the whole thing. This was awesome!

    MAK–WOW, this is insanely dark and twisted! I was instantly pulled into the narrative and horrified to see how the poor narrator was being treated. So compelling. Very vivid–I love how the sentences are short, urgent, and keep you reading quickly. Nice pacing. Thanks for sharing this with us!

    Meagan–This was such a sweet poem! I loved the rhymes that felt natural, not forced, and how the poem was rhythmic without being forced into a certain meter. It has a nice lilting, dance-like quality to it. I also like the repetition at the beginning and end of the poem, which helps it feel complete. This was great, thanks!

    Alix-wa–WOW, this was awesome. I love the informal quality to the prose, the repetition, the song-like feel to the language. I love the running metaphor throughout too, and the voice of the narrator is very strong and powerful. I was compelled to read the rest. Excellent piece–thanks!

    Katie–This is so dark and pulled me right in. I’m dying to know what happens next! I loved this teaser–the sensory details, the picture with the bracelet. This was really, really cool. I felt like the narrator had a strong voice, and I was compelled to keep going with the excerpt. Thanks for sharing it with us!

    You guys are amazing writers. These were all so different, but all very unique and strong in their own way. Rock on–and keep working on your stuff! 😀

    • March 22, 2010 10:33 am

      duh, it just occured to me I should paste these in separately after your writings. LOL. I’ll do that right now. 😀

  3. March 19, 2010 1:32 am

    Okay, a super short one this week. This monologue comes from a story called, Welcome to Earth. Keith is a renegade warrior, and Verena is a princess of his enemy. They are forced to work together to right a great wrong. They have a heated argument. Keith is in a huge rage, but through the course of the monologue he calms down.

    KEITH
    I hate you! I hate the fact
    that you exist, and I hate
    how I actually saved your
    life! I hate your heritage!
    I hate your attitude! I hate
    the fact that my people’s
    fate depends on you! You’re
    naïve and prideful, and you
    like to get on my very last
    nerve! You wanna know why I
    really hate you?
    (beat)
    I hate the fact that I
    Actually missed you! I hate
    that despite all I just said,
    I can’t stop thinking about
    you! I hate how I know every
    inch of your face and that I
    can picture your beautiful
    body clearly in my mind. I
    hate how you have given me
    hope and that I have never
    felt so drawn to anyone in
    my life. We were never supposed
    to be together, but I freaking
    pictured myself with you! I
    hate how the sound of your
    voice and laughter makes me
    feel good inside. I hate how
    your beauty makes my heart race.
    I hate that right now there’s
    nothing I wanna do more than
    kiss you all over. What I hate
    most about you is I think I’ve
    fallen in love with you!

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      March 19, 2010 7:01 am

      Aw! This is so cute. And it made me laugh!

      MZ

    • March 22, 2010 10:33 am

      Dana–I love, love, love the repetition in here. It really helps us feel like this is lyrical, due to the way the words flow and dance. I love how the things he most hates about her are the things he is most vulnerable about WITH her, in regards to his feelings. Very evocative. I love how we see his feelings change as his monologue goes on. Very nicely done!!

      • March 22, 2010 3:47 pm

        Thanks! I’m so glad you and Michelle enjoyed it! I appreciate the feedback ❤

    • ayla permalink
      March 23, 2010 10:40 pm

      too lazy to capitalize the a LOL!

      love it Dana!!! i like the flow!

  4. Stella permalink
    March 18, 2010 10:18 pm

    Jeez it’s been awhile! I must apologize. I often read the posts, but never have time or an excerpt TO post 🙂

    Here’s a continuation from my work beforehand; I’m playing around with writing it in 1st person… Thoughts are much appreciated!

    The chirps wake me. Freakin birds. The dim light of the morning twilight hangs in the room, a veil between reality and make-believe. I raise myself, skin prickling with the icy air. Sitting now, I pull on the first shirt I touch to push out some cold. It all comes back. Her smell. Her curves. Her smile. Her eyes… Dark, beguiling, uncertain. Confident. I took her. I took her away. Left her there, an empty shell.

    I shake my head, ridding the memories from my mind; the guilt won’t budge. The brick walls of my flat were leaking depression; falling through time into an abyss of nothing. I was following them. Crossing to the mirror, I look at my reflection. A monster. A burden on these mere beings, portals to the emptiness they do not understand. I did not ask for this. I do not want to bear this. They get stronger and stronger, though Viv said they wouldn’t. Liar. I am forever engraved upon the walls of humanity; I am abnormal. I am a freak.

    • March 19, 2010 1:15 am

      Hi Stella: How long ago did you post other pieces? I’m going to have to go back and find them.

      “I took her. I took her away. Left her there, an empty shell.” Aw! What does this mean? Took her away? How? Why? Where? Is she dead??

      “the guilt won’t budge.” <–Love that line.

      This whole section is amazing. I love the visuals and feelings. It feels rushed and sad and unknown.
      "The brick walls of my flat were leaking depression; falling through time into an abyss of nothing. I was following them. Crossing to the mirror, I look at my reflection. A monster. A burden on these mere beings, portals to the emptiness they do not understand. I did not ask for this. I do not want to bear this. They get stronger and stronger, though Viv said they wouldn’t. Liar. I am forever engraved upon the walls of humanity; I am abnormal. I am a freak."

      I want to know more. No! I NEED to know more. What kind of monster? Who is this person? What's going on? Aww! Talk to me! O_o

      d

      • Stella permalink
        March 21, 2010 10:12 am

        Hey, Danielle! I posted them a bit ago, but here’s the url: https://michellezinkbooks.wordpress.com/2010/02/25/thursday-night-write/

        Haha I can’t give too much away 🙂 I’m still figuring out how to incorporate everything but still keeping the suspense. Thanks for the comment!

        Stella 😀

      • March 21, 2010 12:08 pm

        Stella,

        I searched through the last few weeks of Open Mic and found it. 😉 and had a “A-ha!” moment when I reread it. You’ve definitely intrigued me with this character, perhaps because there’s a sadness in him that I relate to with my own character. There’s a burden he faces and struggles with.

        I will wait patiently until the time you decide to reveal his secrets.

        Your writing is wonderfully visual.

        Oh! And first person POV is working well.

        Danielle

      • Stella permalink
        March 22, 2010 9:53 pm

        Haha I’m glad you found it, Danielle! 😀

        I’ll try to not keep you waiting TOO long, but no promises… 😉
        Thank you. It means a lot coming from someone who is a very amazing, visual writer themselves. I shall continue to work in first person POV then!

        Stella

      • March 24, 2010 6:37 pm

        Aw, thanks Stella. 😉

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      March 19, 2010 7:03 am

      This is really interesting. I’d like to know who this person is, because some of my favorite lines are ones that speak to his self-hatred. This one’s especially good;

      “A burden on these mere beings, portals to the emptiness they do not understand.”

      Nicely done!

      MZ

      • Stella permalink
        March 21, 2010 10:14 am

        Thanks, Michelle! I really appreciate it 🙂 I don’t quite know how and when to tell what his deal is… I’d like to keep the suspense, but I don’t want people to be left hanging for too long. Thanks again for the comment!

        Stella

    • March 22, 2010 10:34 am

      Stella–This is awesome. Your descriptions are very vivid and unique. And I love how we feel like we are right inside the narrator’s head through the use of phrases and sensory details. I also like the repetition and the dark tone of the excerpt. This is super vivid and very eye-catching to me. Thanks for sharing it!

      • Stella permalink
        March 22, 2010 9:56 pm

        Thank you SO much, Rhonda! I really appreciate it 🙂

        PS. I adored Stupid Cupid! It was very entertaining and the writing was awesome!

  5. March 18, 2010 9:44 pm

    Yay for guest commentators! 🙂

    Here’s another bit from my fantasy WIP. This bit is from Clio’s perspective and it’s still in the “intro” sort of portion to the group. Getting to know them and their interactions and all that. Any comments are welcome! Thanks guys!
    —–

    The five of us didn’t see each other again until the end of the school day. We met up, as we always did, at our lockers. We had been locker neighbors for as long as any of us could remember and as long as we had the option, we weren’t in a big hurry to change that. So there we met, like we always had, and milled around our lockers. We made a project of it, used it as social time, a chance to solidify whatever plans we had been able to come up with. It was the same thing we had done every day for as long as we’d been friends. It was another one of those things that we just assumed would always be around.

    “Plans?” Kim asked. A few notebooks tumbled out of her locker to the ground.

    “Why do you always ask that?” Jack said. “Every day, you ask that. Why don’t you come up with the plans?”

    “I’m not good with coming up with plans, Jack, thanks,” Kim snapped back.

    I shrugged. “I should probably go home and drop off my stuff before we do anything. Let my parents know what’s going on.”

    “We could go to the mall. The mall’s fun,” Gloria suggested.

    Jack groaned and rolled his eyes. “Do we always have to go to the mall? We always do the girly things!”

    “Your four best friends are girls, idiot. Get over it,” Gloria snapped.

    An obnoxious girly squeal sounded behind us and Patty Hendersen bounded over. Patty was Jack’s girlfriend and pretty much the bane of my existence. Fortunately, I wasn’t alone in my feelings about her. All four girls in our group held the same opinions about Patty. In short, Patty was probably the ditziest, most idiotic, and most stereotypical blonde in the entire world. She had loathed Jack throughout elementary school, had smacked him when he’d kissed her in the third grade, but something in her twisted little brain snapped sometime around middle school and she’d decided she really liked Jack. They had started dating when we were freshmen in high school. And every moment that she was around made me feel like I wanted to jab something sharp into the side of my head. This hadn’t been an opinion I’d arrived at quickly or easily, let me assure you. I don’t like making judgments and I like to think of myself as accepting. But, seriously, even the most tolerant, rational human being would probably have trouble dealing with Patty. Jack’s just a freak of nature.

    • meagan permalink
      March 18, 2010 10:51 pm

      I really love this story! :)I love the characters, and its really well written… And you know, i think patty goes to my school… haha

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      March 19, 2010 7:42 am

      Love it! I especially like the dialogue, because it reads very authentic to me. I’m a big fan of using in written dialogue sentence structure that mimics the way real people speak. That’s why you find sentences that start with “And” and “But” in my writing along with super short sentences and all kinds of other things that are supposed to be writing “Don’ts”.

      In the same way, I really liked this;

      “I should probably go home and drop off my stuff before we do anything. Let my parents know what’s going on.”

      You begin the second sentence with “Let” which wouldn’t be considered grammatically correct but saves this interaction from seeming boring and adult.

      Also like the monologue at the end.

      Well done, hon!

      MZ

      • March 20, 2010 12:50 am

        Awwww…thanks so much, Michelle! ❤

    • mak...XD permalink
      March 20, 2010 8:29 pm

      i find it sort of ironic to know that Jack doesn’t like going to the mall because he thinks it is girly…and he has a girlfriend like *coughs* THAT….well done!!! i loved it!!!!!

    • March 22, 2010 10:34 am

      Erin–Okay, this was so cute. I love the narrator’s perspective, and the characters are really fun and fresh. HAH, that girl sounds so obnoxious. Your characters feel very authentic to me, and I love their casual attitude (as well as how that poor guy has all these girls for friends–that’s exactly how it is! LOL). Very cute!

  6. Indigo permalink
    March 18, 2010 9:31 pm

    Just a little something…

    Clown feet
    large, attached to tree
    stump legs
    knobby knees surrounded by
    rolls of skin
    mammoth thighs controlled by
    aching hips
    a fleshy stomach hides a
    dark secret, a womb killing fire

    Hide beneath this flesh, travel
    upwards to the small, imperfect
    mounds, sandcastles of time
    cracked arms with unwillful
    hands, sausage fingers
    stiff neck not wanting to
    look forwards or back
    side to side

    Hideous profile, only
    with a sharp nose and
    uneven rabbit teeth
    wild mane moves like snakes
    will turn you to stone
    eyes are filled with the hatred
    and the anguish of the insane.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      March 19, 2010 7:59 am

      Wow… this is really powerful. I’m a dunce when it comes to poetry, and I’m still trying to figure out who this speaks about… is it the narrator describing his/herself?

      Love those last two lines. VERY powerful.

      MZ

      • Indigo permalink
        March 22, 2010 9:58 pm

        I would love to read some of your poetry! You novel was so vivid… Yes, it is the narrator describing herself-what she sees every time she looks in the mirror, every time she looks down at a body part. I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Thanks, Michelle.

        Indigo

    • March 22, 2010 10:35 am

      Indigo–What an incredibly vivid, evocative piece. I love the visual and concrete images in here. They paint this dark, yet strange and compelling picture for me that makes me want to read and reread to dig into the deeper meaning. I love how the tone is strong and eerie throughout the whole thing. This was awesome!

      • Indigo permalink
        March 22, 2010 10:00 pm

        Thank you, Rhonda! I greatly appreciate it. Best of luck to you and your novels!

  7. MAK.....XD permalink
    March 18, 2010 9:04 pm

    They mercilessly cut my arms and legs with their nails and scrape me with their sharp teeth. Biting me and gnawing at my skin. One of them reveals himself to me and I instantly wish he did not. Demons are gruesome and they bloody well know they are. No. Not the red things with the little horns on their puny heads. They are black with ash and tar.
    My clothes are ripped off and I feel wetness in all areas. I’m going to bleed to death. Right here on my floor. Cold metal is placed between my legs and the dagger is ready to be inserted. I try again not to scream but they stop. I try to open my eyes which are sticky from the blood and cuts on them. I see in red. Almost everything has a red tint to it. They’re gone. Just like that. Then I see it. The light from under my bed. My phone is ringing. He’s calling. And they left. He saved me. I was about to be raped by a literal dagger, which is now gone when I look down at my naked lower body.
    I scrambled to my feet and grabbed up my phone. I had missed his call in my attempt to grab up my Bible. Besides that being my only form of protection, I also believed that he could save me from the unfortunate doom. My phone began to vibrate again as I wrapped my blanket around my bare body. It felt nice and soothing against my skin. But at this point, I’d rather feel him comforting me. He called again. Thank God he has that impulse to call me at the right time.
    “H-hello? Hi h-hun,” my voice quivered into the phone. I wasn’t scared but I didn’t know how to tell him what happened to me, who he calls his love.
    “Baby, you ok?” he cooed to me over the line. His voice was beautiful and I loved it. The way he called me baby made me feel a little better. Then I panicked.
    “Can you come over?” my words came out a bi slurred together, but he knew very well what I had said.
    “I- uhh….”
    “Yes, hun, I just asked you to come over here.” It was never done before. But I think I had a good reason to ask my “forbidden boyfriend” to come over to my house and comfort me. Besides, I had no idea how to clean wounds properly.
    He sighed, “ok…”
    “Can you stay on the line till you reach here?”
    “Sure, sweety.” He paused a little and I could sense him thinking of what to say next. I heard a car door slam shut. He was really coming over here. My heart rate felt like thousands of horses running a never-ending race track in my chest.
    “I love you, Amy”
    “I-I love you, too, Ben”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ok…now i told you who the mysterious “they” are…. comments plz….
    yes…i know…it’s quite gruesome…at first…..thank you!!!!!!!!!!

    • March 18, 2010 9:48 pm

      Woah. This is really intense. I think you do a great job with instilling the danger and fear into your scene and making your reader as uncomfortable/fearful as your character. It is definitely graphic, but I think you handle that very well too (in my opinion). I don’t get overwhelmed by the graphic-ness, if that makes any sense…it’s a good amount of graphic detail to make the scene but not be over the top. Good job!

      • meagan permalink
        March 18, 2010 10:58 pm

        Wow, this is amazing and im glad i finally know who “they” are!! It was kinda graphic, but not too much so. Its really great! But i still have just as many questions!!! Why are they after her? Why is he forbidden? what is going on?!? lol 🙂

      • mak...XD permalink
        March 19, 2010 4:46 pm

        thank you!!!! i love to get comments like this… about how my work is scary and graphic….meagan. they’re not exactly after her. they were. but he stopped them. Ben and the obvious Almighty. its not something that’s like a book. so it doesn’t really have any particular way to answer your questions, unless i answer them directly……thankzzz again!!!!!

    • March 22, 2010 10:35 am

      MAK–WOW, this is insanely dark and twisted! I was instantly pulled into the narrative and horrified to see how the poor narrator was being treated. So compelling. Very vivid–I love how the sentences are short, urgent, and keep you reading quickly. Nice pacing. Thanks for sharing this with us!

      • mak...XD permalink
        March 22, 2010 3:50 pm

        hehe….a thirteen year old did all that to a real life author…? wow!!
        THANK YOU!!!!!!!

  8. meagan permalink
    March 18, 2010 8:09 pm

    does anyone else think the comment thing is messed up, or is it just me and my technologicall stupidity?

    • March 18, 2010 8:17 pm

      no, it is messed up, meagan.

    • michellezinkbooks permalink*
      March 18, 2010 8:22 pm

      Tell me what’s wrong with the comment field, guys. It looks fine from here so I can’t see whatever it is!

      MZ

  9. meagan permalink
    March 18, 2010 8:01 pm

    3-9-10

    Spring is in the air.
    I can feel it in the breeze blowing through my hair.
    In the way the grass tickles my feet, bare.

    Oh yes! Spring is in the air.
    Winter is no longer here,
    fluttering white snowflakes nowhere near.
    (Though I wish I had nothing to fear.)

    But with spring here,
    it brings a day anew;
    Sunshine lighting bright smiles full of cheer.
    Sweet flowers starting to bloom, just for you.

    Oh, Spring is in the air.
    (And I wish that life were fair)

    Because then you would be here,
    with your favorite season near.
    And I wouldn’t fear. Especially fear
    of losing more like you,
    to the abyss called sky, right now so blue.

    For Spring is in the air,
    I can feel it in the breeze blowing through my hair.

    • March 22, 2010 10:36 am

      Meagan–This was such a sweet poem! I loved the rhymes that felt natural, not forced, and how the poem was rhythmic without being forced into a certain meter. It has a nice lilting, dance-like quality to it. I also like the repetition at the beginning and end of the poem, which helps it feel complete. This was great, thanks!

  10. March 18, 2010 7:20 pm

    Katie-

    Your pieces always intrigue me. I want to know more. I want to read from beginning to end so I have an understanding what is happening in the entire story. You have my attention. Now finish and share! I’m kidding! Don’t rush it. You’ll finish it soon enough.

    This pieces leaves me with a lot of questions. Does she know who the man is? Does she know that her father is a murderer? Does she remember being that little girl in the photo? And..and…and.. so much more!

    Love to read the entire story.

    Danielle

  11. March 18, 2010 7:12 pm

    here’s a treat for you guys, enjoy! :]

    ————————

    youu love me;
    too bad i don’t love youu.

    you said today that you’ve finally found love again, so i’m thinking it’s time to push you over the edge of the nest and let you free fall through life. you can’t hold onto me forever, boy, and i don’t like being smothered.

    you’re a great friend and i really don’t want to have to do this to you, but it seems that i must. i have to tell you this because you need to have someone tell you this sooner or later and i don’t want you hearing any nonsense rumours in the weeks to come.

    you deserve a girl who loves you and only you. we all know that my eyes tend to wander when you’re not in my presence, and i’ve always been a bit of a flirt. i like you, but i’m not sure i truly love you yet.

    besides, i’ve always liked tight-fitting flesh that’s dotted with holes and metal. i like feeling his ribs against mine and i like the way his hips protrude over the top of his thin jeans. i like how his hair is long enough to brush my face when we kiss, and how silky smooth it is as i run my hands through it.

    did you ever know that i’ve always liked him better? that while i’m texting you late at night, i’m on webcam with him? that i see him behind your back and flirt with him non-stop?

    whenever he called, i always lied and said it was one of my girl friends. whenever he stopped by to talk to me at school, i swore to you that we just had a mutual friend and one crazy rockin’ relay team in common.

    see, this way it’s easier. this way you never have to know the things i’ve hidden from you. i don’t want to break your heart, only your bones as you hit the ground fifty feet below the nest.

    • meagan permalink
      March 18, 2010 7:43 pm

      Wow, kinda harsh, but i love it 🙂 Great job!

      • March 18, 2010 7:57 pm

        thanks! we had a discussion in relations familiales [family living] yesterday about cheating and other things like that, and i felt compelled to write this. it’s harsh but i really like it.

    • March 18, 2010 9:51 pm

      I really like this! Yeah, it’s harsh, but it’s really very good. And I think it’s a feeling that so many people can relate to. I really like your writing style and voice…there’s something about it that’s poetic, I guess, but at the same time it’s prose. Anyway, great job! 🙂

      • March 18, 2010 10:31 pm

        thank youu erin! i love getting feedback on my work, it makes me feel so wonderful :]

    • Rebekah permalink
      March 18, 2010 10:26 pm

      Ouch. Harsh, definitely. Good, but I feel bad for that guy on the other end 😛 Great job, though!

      • March 18, 2010 11:26 pm

        thanks rebekah! so i think the mutual consensus is how harsh it is, right? :]

      • Rebekah permalink
        March 22, 2010 10:01 pm

        lol Well, it is harsh, but I love that. It’s so…. real. Nice job :]

    • mak...XD permalink
      March 19, 2010 3:36 pm

      oh wow…..that left me speechless….i love the rawness of it and how it just flows out….and that harshness….you have my full respect for that…..

      • March 19, 2010 10:40 pm

        thank you mak! i felt that i needed to write a piece like this, that could capture the harshness of the real world instead of the idyllic lives that i’ve dreamt up in previous prose. :]

    • March 22, 2010 10:36 am

      Alix-wa–WOW, this was awesome. I love the informal quality to the prose, the repetition, the song-like feel to the language. I love the running metaphor throughout too, and the voice of the narrator is very strong and powerful. I was compelled to read the rest. Excellent piece–thanks!

      • March 22, 2010 3:35 pm

        thank youu rhonda! it’s wonderful to hear such comments coming from an author, as i aspire one day to publish something. i know a girl who got 100 hundred of her prose published in a book, but i know that’s really hard to do. >.> but thanks for the nice comments!

  12. March 18, 2010 6:59 pm

    Yay, love guest authors! Anywhere, here’s more of mine. Shamed to say I haven’t finished my WIP yet, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely!
    ________________________________

    With the passing of my words, went the passing of my bravery. I didn’t have to see his face to recognize his sudden fury. In a split second, he had crossed the room and was gripping my slender neck in one hand, his fingers squeezing and depriving me of my breath. I choked for air, wrangling with weak attempts to pry his painful grip, but it was no use. I wasn’t strong enough.

    He dragged me to his previous spot next to the wall of aged, sepia pictures, loosening his hold as he shoved me closer.

    “Look at them. Do you see them?” he spat breathlessly as he pushed my head closer to the photos. A small group of them, devoid of the red marks, were clumped together. There was maybe five or six of them total, showing the faces of beaten and bruised people. I was horrified when he shoved my face closer to one picture in particular; a young girl. A child.

    But it wasn’t the blood smeared on her face, or the anguished cry she was displaying for the cameraman that suddenly quickened my pulse. It was the arm raised in defense above her chest. It was the wrist that held a bracelet full of colorful jewels. It was the large letter ’P’ that dangled enticingly close to her tormented face.

    It was my bracelet.

    The one I had received from my father after a business trip; one of the business trips that always seemed to be here. In West Virginia. In this very cottage.

    • March 18, 2010 7:15 pm

      loving this! i like your writing style and even though this isn’t your WIP, it’s still good to see some other work from youu. :]

      • March 18, 2010 7:16 pm

        err wait, maybe it is your WIP.
        haha, it’s been a long day. :p

    • March 18, 2010 7:22 pm

      Oops, Katie! I posted this in the wrong spot. I’ve been without coffee for over two weeks. =( My brain doesn’t function any longer.
      To keep it all nice and neat I’m posting it here:

      <>

      • March 18, 2010 7:23 pm

        Apparently it didn’t repost. I’m lame. Never mind. It’s out there. O_o

    • Ashley permalink
      March 18, 2010 7:39 pm

      Loooove it!

      • meagan permalink
        March 18, 2010 7:45 pm

        Awesome! I love it, and i cant wait for more

    • Indigo permalink
      March 18, 2010 9:33 pm

      Ooo I just got chills. Great job!

    • March 18, 2010 9:56 pm

      Your scenes always knock the air out of me. So powerful. I love your writing style and you do suspense/thriller scenes SO well. Keep up the good work!

    • Rebekah permalink
      March 18, 2010 10:23 pm

      Wow. Mkay, I definitely got chills. Keep it up – I love reading your stuff!

    • March 22, 2010 10:36 am

      Katie–This is so dark and pulled me right in. I’m dying to know what happens next! I loved this teaser–the sensory details, the picture with the bracelet. This was really, really cool. I felt like the narrator had a strong voice, and I was compelled to keep going with the excerpt. Thanks for sharing it with us!

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